Confessions of Doubt

I haven't written for a while. There are a couple of reasons for that. One is that I haven't really felt inspired to write anything. The other (and most likely the reason for the first) is that I haven't felt close enough to God to write anything. I'll apologize right now that this may be a lengthy post.

You see, I've been dealing with doubt. Doubt? But I've been a Christian as long as I can remember. Two days after I turned 18 I told God, "My life is yours." I've grown. I've gone to a group Bible study of one type or another weekly for the last 8 years. I've had very real encounters with God while on a mission trip to a foreign country. I've spoken openly about my faith multiple times over the years. How could I possibly have any doubts?

I have no idea.

Here's the thing. The closest I ever felt to God and the most real His presence ever was to me, was during my short stay in Haiti. I heard Him speak to my spirit (not an audible voice, but yet it was so clear He was speaking to me), I saw visions in my mind that I believe were put there by Him, I saw first hand how his presence in the lives of the suffering made drastic changes. I saw God at work.

Then I came home. I returned to my routine of keeping up the house, taking care of the kids, working at the preschool. And depression hit. (Wow! Right now, this second, I'm starting to see the timeline of the last two years. I feel my spiritual eyes starting to open again). Looking back, I thought it was just the typical post-mission trip depression. I had experienced it before and know other people who have as well. I worked through some things, and got better for a while.

But for the past year, I've been struggling with depression. It comes and goes. But the scary part for me is at its worst moments, I feel like I'm a teenager all over again. During middle school and high school I was depressed. I knew I was liked by friends and loved by family, but something inside me still felt broken. I remember just being so tired of the pain that I felt that I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. Those same feelings that I can't even seem to put into words are hitting me again (thankfully NOT the wanting to die ones - just so no one gets concerned). I just feel cut off, separated not just from the world around me, but from God as well.

That separation has led to doubt. Thoughts of, "Is this even real?" or "How can I possibly know what's true and what's not? Who really knows?" or worst, "What if I'm wrong and I believed a lie?" Here's the crazy thing about my mind, while all these doubts are raging in one half, the other half is giving all the arguments for why I should believe the truth I've clung to my whole life. It's like in the cartoons where there is a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. I feel like that is what is going on inside my head.

As you know if you've read my previous posts, God usually "talks" to me through word pictures. I haven't been given a word picture for quite a while. But a few weeks ago, He spoke to me again. I had sent Jaedon out to the van to look for his Bible so he could put it in his backpack for school. I knew it was in there as I had seen it the day before. So, he goes and is gone for 5-10 minutes, comes back and says, "I can't find it." Me: "Jaedon I saw it in there yesterday, right behind the driver's seat. Go look again." So he comes back a second time and still can't find it. So then I went out and looked right where I knew I had seen it. What I saw instead was a stack of papers, but under the papers? The Bible.

And then it hit me. It was like God was saying, "If you seek me with your whole heart, you will find me." Just like Jaedon hadn't dug deep enough, I hadn't been digging deep enough either.

I had been doing Bible studies others had written, but I hadn't really done any digging on my own. I had been approaching my bible studies like I used to approach my homework. I just looked for the answers to the questions without ever really looking beyond that. Even without a study book to follow, I was still reading my Bible daily. But I see now, God was telling me that that is not enough. Just reading it doesn't make it sink in. I've got to really look at it. To dig into it. To ask questions about the text that will help me see what God wants ME to learn from it. I wasn't seeking God with my whole heart.

I think I see now... maybe, possibly... what these last several months have been about. God has been letting me feel the absence of his presence. Not that he ever went away, but he didn't reveal himself to me (if that makes sense). There can be nothing as completely shocking to your system as to feel God's presence beside you for a short time and then enduring months of feeling nothing. No wonder I've been depressed. The more emerged I became in my own little world, the farther away God seemed to appear. But he's been right here all along waiting until my heart was in the right place to hear him speak.

So am I still depressed? It depends on the day. But that doesn't matter. What matters is I'm digging in. I'm searching with everything I have. The rest will take care of itself.

Deuteronomy 4:29
But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul.