Confessions of Doubt

I haven't written for a while. There are a couple of reasons for that. One is that I haven't really felt inspired to write anything. The other (and most likely the reason for the first) is that I haven't felt close enough to God to write anything. I'll apologize right now that this may be a lengthy post.

You see, I've been dealing with doubt. Doubt? But I've been a Christian as long as I can remember. Two days after I turned 18 I told God, "My life is yours." I've grown. I've gone to a group Bible study of one type or another weekly for the last 8 years. I've had very real encounters with God while on a mission trip to a foreign country. I've spoken openly about my faith multiple times over the years. How could I possibly have any doubts?

I have no idea.

Here's the thing. The closest I ever felt to God and the most real His presence ever was to me, was during my short stay in Haiti. I heard Him speak to my spirit (not an audible voice, but yet it was so clear He was speaking to me), I saw visions in my mind that I believe were put there by Him, I saw first hand how his presence in the lives of the suffering made drastic changes. I saw God at work.

Then I came home. I returned to my routine of keeping up the house, taking care of the kids, working at the preschool. And depression hit. (Wow! Right now, this second, I'm starting to see the timeline of the last two years. I feel my spiritual eyes starting to open again). Looking back, I thought it was just the typical post-mission trip depression. I had experienced it before and know other people who have as well. I worked through some things, and got better for a while.

But for the past year, I've been struggling with depression. It comes and goes. But the scary part for me is at its worst moments, I feel like I'm a teenager all over again. During middle school and high school I was depressed. I knew I was liked by friends and loved by family, but something inside me still felt broken. I remember just being so tired of the pain that I felt that I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. Those same feelings that I can't even seem to put into words are hitting me again (thankfully NOT the wanting to die ones - just so no one gets concerned). I just feel cut off, separated not just from the world around me, but from God as well.

That separation has led to doubt. Thoughts of, "Is this even real?" or "How can I possibly know what's true and what's not? Who really knows?" or worst, "What if I'm wrong and I believed a lie?" Here's the crazy thing about my mind, while all these doubts are raging in one half, the other half is giving all the arguments for why I should believe the truth I've clung to my whole life. It's like in the cartoons where there is a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. I feel like that is what is going on inside my head.

As you know if you've read my previous posts, God usually "talks" to me through word pictures. I haven't been given a word picture for quite a while. But a few weeks ago, He spoke to me again. I had sent Jaedon out to the van to look for his Bible so he could put it in his backpack for school. I knew it was in there as I had seen it the day before. So, he goes and is gone for 5-10 minutes, comes back and says, "I can't find it." Me: "Jaedon I saw it in there yesterday, right behind the driver's seat. Go look again." So he comes back a second time and still can't find it. So then I went out and looked right where I knew I had seen it. What I saw instead was a stack of papers, but under the papers? The Bible.

And then it hit me. It was like God was saying, "If you seek me with your whole heart, you will find me." Just like Jaedon hadn't dug deep enough, I hadn't been digging deep enough either.

I had been doing Bible studies others had written, but I hadn't really done any digging on my own. I had been approaching my bible studies like I used to approach my homework. I just looked for the answers to the questions without ever really looking beyond that. Even without a study book to follow, I was still reading my Bible daily. But I see now, God was telling me that that is not enough. Just reading it doesn't make it sink in. I've got to really look at it. To dig into it. To ask questions about the text that will help me see what God wants ME to learn from it. I wasn't seeking God with my whole heart.

I think I see now... maybe, possibly... what these last several months have been about. God has been letting me feel the absence of his presence. Not that he ever went away, but he didn't reveal himself to me (if that makes sense). There can be nothing as completely shocking to your system as to feel God's presence beside you for a short time and then enduring months of feeling nothing. No wonder I've been depressed. The more emerged I became in my own little world, the farther away God seemed to appear. But he's been right here all along waiting until my heart was in the right place to hear him speak.

So am I still depressed? It depends on the day. But that doesn't matter. What matters is I'm digging in. I'm searching with everything I have. The rest will take care of itself.

Deuteronomy 4:29
But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul.

And then there were three...

Well, we all thought Charlie would be the one to make it. He was the most active fish - always darting around the tank. But this morning when I checked the tank to see how the fish were doing, I only saw three fish - no Charlie. It took a couple of minutes of searching before I thought to check the floor. Yep, there he was.

So, here's what I think happened.

Charlie, (in his best surfer voice) "Hey, Dudes! What's up?"
Lisa & Goldie sigh, "Hi Charlie."
Charlie: "Wanna bet me that I can jump that wall."
Lisa & Goldie, "No Charlie."
Charlie: "Come on bet me! I bet I can!"
Lisa: "Whatever Charlie."
Charlie: "No, really I bet I can. Just watch." With that he darted to the opposite end of the tank and muttered to himself, "Come on, dude, you can do this! Then they'll see how awesome you are." He zoomed through the water and with an extra swish of his tail he went flying out of the water and over the wall - only to discover there was no water on the other side.
Lisa: "Lame"
Goldie: "Totally. That guy is such a show off. What do you think is on the other side of that wall anyway."
Lisa: "Who cares. Let's find some food."

And then there were four...

Well, I'm not really sure there is a Godly lesson here. Just a life experience.

Emma decided she wanted to go ahead and pay for a new fish tank. She didn't have enough money so she's having to work off the remainder of her balance. Since that left her no money to buy fish, Jaedon said he wanted to buy some for her. So, armed with his penny bank containing $1.95, we went to PetSmart on Saturday (yesterday) and bought some new 27 cent goldfish.

The kids picked out 6 new fish. We got that many because we figured at least one of them will survive and become the next Leena. Well, by this morning, one was already dead. Jaedon was more mad than sad. As we flushed "Bronco" down the toilet, Jaedon declared, "Well, that was a waste of my money."

That left us with five fish: Molly, Lisa, Charlie, Snow White, and Goldie. By dinner time, Molly was dead. So, now we're down to four.

And life goes on...

R.I.P Leena the Goldfish - died 6-19-11

Well, the goldfish finally died. It wasn't at all the way I expected her to go. But in true Leena the Goldfish form, she died teaching us a lesson.

Yesterday morning, after Emma had finished her breakfast I told her to go brush her teeth and get ready for church. "Okay!" came her normal response. About 5 minutes later I hear a loud crash coming from the kids' room and then Emma crying. I rush to see what happened only to find water coming from the bedroom into the hallway, Jaedon's dresser lying face down on the floor, and Emma surrounded by the rocks that should have been in the bottom of the fish tank. "Is she dead?" Emma cried as she pointed to her goldfish lying motionless on the floor.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no..." I chanted as I ran back to the kitchen to find a bowl to fill with water. As I reached to pick up the fish she started to flop around. It freaked me out. The kids just laughed. Finally I got her picked up and put into the bowl.

Then came the task of cleaning up five gallons of water off the hardwood floor. Thankfully I had the kids do a thorough cleaning only a day or two before so there were no books or toys on the floor. Just lots of water and a broken fish tank.

Forty minutes later it was finally clean. Unfortunately for Emma there were also some consequences. She has been told several times not to use the dresser drawers as steps because it could tip over the dresser. Well, that's exactly what she had done that caused the dresser to fall. Secondly, she has been using, "Oh, I'm sorry. I got distracted," as an excuse for why she isn't doing what she had been told to do. Had she been doing what I had told her, none of the drama would have occurred. So, she had to be punished for her disobedience.

Oh, did I mention it was her birthday yesterday? I hadn't even had a chance to say, "happy birthday," yet. So, sorry Emma, Happy birthday, now go see Dad and get your spanking. Yeah, that felt great, but it was necessary. Disobedience has consequences.

We came to an agreement of how Emma could pay for a new fish tank. After all, it was her fish, her accident, her responsibility to make it right. (And after all God has used that fish to teach me, I couldn't in good conscience let it live out the remainder of it's days in a mixing bowl). So, on our way home from seeing family that evening we stopped at Wal-Mart and picked out a new tank.

When we got home, Jaedon went to their room to check on Leena. "The fish is dead!" he yelled. Emma went running to her room, "Serious?" she asked. Sure enough, poor Leena was floating in the bowl. "How did she die, Mom?" Emma asked. "Well, I guess she was just without air for too long."

We gave Leena a proper burial - in the toilet - after we said a prayer. And I think Emma finally learned (the hard way) that disobedience has consequences. Sometimes life-long consequences.

...but... Emma got a bunny for her birthday. Who knows what lessons God will teach us through the newest member of the family.

Maybe even God thinks his kids are obnoxious sometimes

I spent most of my day feeling guilty for wishing my kids weren't in the house. This isn't the first time I've ever wished this. But it was the first time I felt this way in the wake of an unexpected death of a 9 year old member of my church. Every time my kids were "in the way" I couldn't help but think of the mom that wished her son could be in the way. When they wouldn't stop asking questions I thought of the dad who would never hear his son's voice again - this side of Heaven. When they fought, I thought of the little sister who no longer has a brother to fight with. Perspective. It changes so much.

But... I still struggled to not be irritated with my kids. Even knowing that they could be taken from me at any moment, I just couldn't make myself pleased that they were around.

Oh the emotional mind games of being a woman.

Then I felt God say, "It's okay, sometimes my kids drive me nuts too."

My son, Jaedon, is intelligent and determined. Both are traits that will do him well in the future - but today they were traits that were driving me up the wall. On the one hand, he was second guessing things I had told him. On the other hand he had all these ideas of things he wanted to do today. In order to do them, I would need to stop what I was doing to help him. He didn't seem to understand that I had things I HAD to get done today. It didn't matter to him, he just wanted me to do what he wanted (in my mind I'm hearing God say, "Yep, been there - had kids that have done that!)

Emma wanted to help with everything. Though I could have used an extra pair of hands - hers aren't experienced enough to help me clean house without just making a bigger mess. I wonder how many of God's kids have tried to "help" only to create an even bigger mess that God had to clean up. Even what she could handle (cleaning up her room) took her forever because she kept getting distracted. It's like God telling one of his kids to do something that he could do himself in five minutes, but it takes his child 5 years to do - because of distractions.

So for those reading this that think none of it applies to you, remember that by our faith in Christ we are called "Children of God". Scripture even says our faith makes us co-heirs with Christ. Romans 8:17 "Now if we are children, then we are heirs - co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

If we are children of God, I guarantee that at some point in our walk, we have annoyed him just as much as our own kids annoy us. We don't like to think that God has that emotion, but if we - who are made in his image - have that emotion, why couldn't God? Annoyance doesn't diminish our love for our kids even a tiny bit. But we do find ourselves wishing this particular phase would be over with quickly so we could move on to more enjoyable times with our kids. Christ even showed exasperation with his disciples, but he never stopped loving them and nurturing them.

So, I guess for me, that means it's okay that I didn't want to be around my kids today. It's not something I need to feel guilty about because it doesn't mean that I wish my kids didn't exist. It just means that I needed some space from them. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I'm completely willing to look like an idiot...

So, this week at our church is VBS (vacation Bible School). It has been exhausting, but so rewarding.

My role in the whole production is the music lady. I'm pretty sure I have a more official title, but I can't remember what it is. Basically, for the first 15 minutes of the day, I get the kids excited for VBS. I introduce the verse of the day, and lead them in a couple of songs. Every morning we also have a short skit that relates to the lesson we're learning on that day. For the last 15 minutes of the day, I review what they've learned and lead them in a couple of other songs. In between all of this, I have 5 different sessions where I teach music to help the kids learn the actions for the songs.

I pretty much don't stop moving for 3 straight hours. If I'm dull and bored, the kids will be dull and bored. So, I get to act like a kid again - wild and slightly out of control. The thing is - the kids actually pay more attention the crazier I get.

As I've gotten more comfortable with my role, I've loosened up. And my dancing is evidence of this. I want the kids to not worry about what they look like, but to just have fun with the music. What better way, then if I act like an idiot - and don't care. A few of my older boys just sat looking bored during the first two days of music. Then God gave me an idea - we had a dance competition yesterday with our song of the day. They LOVED it. Suddenly, I wasn't the only crazy one in the room. They were getting down!

So, I've decided - it is totally worth it for me to look like an idiot if it can loosen the kids (heck - maybe even their parents) up enough to listen to the message.

Today, they heard the gospel message. As we were going over the lesson at the end of the day I had a very familiar sensation. When I taught in Haiti, I felt such a passion about what I was saying - that God loved them. Well, today the lesson was that God loves us-no matter what! (Think of Peter and the story of him denying Christ). As I was telling them that even though Peter let Jesus down, Jesus never stopped loving him. That same passion was coursing through me. I was almost in tears it affected me that much.

But since the crazy side of me was able to break down some barriers, I have full confidence that God used the passionate side he gave me to speak to his children. I am so thankful for my experience this week. And I hope for many more opportunities to be an idiot for my God. It's totally worth it!

I really hate being the bad guy.

For anyone that has ever met my daughter you know that she is the happiest, sweetest, most caring and thoughtful little girl you'll ever meet. When she's with a group of kids, if she sees a child without a toy, she won't hesitate to give hers up so they can have it. She's the most popular girl in her preschool class because she is so open and friendly. She talks to everyone, whether it be kids her own age or an elderly stranger at Wal-Mart. She constantly sings songs to God. Her prayers are long and thoughtful (a frequent request of hers is that "God will send someone to the bad people to tell them about Jesus").

For all her good qualities, she's still human. Just like everyone else, she still struggles with the sinful nature that wars within all of us. And when that nature starts peeking it's ugly head out through her beautiful features, I'm the one that has to be the bad guy. I hate being the bad guy. I mean I really hate it. I know the good that is within her, so it kills be to come down hard on her. But if I don't, the sinful nature will win.

Today is the best example. After getting her home from preschool I told her she needed to do her chores. (Yes, my five-year old has chores). These are chores she's been doing for almost 2 years. She has the same ones every day. She even has a chore list on the fridge with pictures of the chores so she can mark them off. The point is, she knows what she is supposed to do.

But she didn't. I was working on cakes, so I couldn't be in the same room with her to be the task master (though about every 15 minutes I'd ask, "are you working on your chores?" to which she'd answer, "Oh! Yeah, I am now."). So after two hours, you know what she accomplished? She made her bed and fed the cat. So I was a little irritated, but figured I'd deal with it when we got home from picking up her big brother.

On the way out the door, instead of getting in the car like I told her to, she played with a rope on the front porch, knocking over some seedlings in the process. She gasped as the tiny plants spilled out onto the sidewalk. I groaned thinking, "I'll deal with it when we get back." I didn't want to be late to get Jaedon.

On the way home from getting Jaedon, Emma gasped. Earlier, when I had picked her up, she had brought home a cup of milk from her lunch with Daddy. Apparently she never took it out of the car because now it is spilled in the back seat of my car. Yay!

By the time we got home I had had it. As soon as I turned off the car I told her that she needed to go clean up the spilled plant while I took care of the milk. As I was cleaning the car I heard her whimpering. I went to her and asked, (still mad, but calmly), "Why are you crying." She said, "I'm sad because I have to clean this up all by myself."

I lost it. I did not yell, but there was no doubt by the tone of my voice that I was ticked. I won't repeat everything, but the point I tried to drive home to her was that she was old enough to obey the FIRST time I tell her to do something and not wait until the tenth time. Had she obeyed, 1) her chores would have been done and she could've enjoyed the afternoon 2) the plant never would have been knocked over because she wouldn't have gotten near it and 3) the milk wouldn't have spilled because she would remember the rule that no drinks can be left in the car.

Once she was done with the plant I told her to work on her chores. I fully expected her to sit in her room and cry. But she didn't. She got to work and did the best job she's done in months! She didn't slack. She had them done in about 30 minutes. It was amazing.

For the past several weeks I've been telling Keith that I think we're just going to have to be stern with her for a while. She's been taking every inch we give her and running a marathon with it. It's our job as parents to train her in the way she should go so that when she is older she will not turn from it. If we can't do that now, then it is a lost cause when she's a teenager and beyond.

This post is rather long, but if I don't add this last little bit, I'll feel like I left something out. The point, at least for me, of all this is that this is another one of those times that I feel God empathising with me. It's like every mis-step Emma took today God was right by my side saying, "I know exactly how you feel."

We, as his children, need to be guided away from our sinful nature and into a Christ-like nature. But, if we're not on our guard, that sinful nature easily creeps into our lives. God gives us plenty of chances to obey. He wants us to obey the first time, but if we don't he'll give us second, third, & fourth chances. But at some point he is just going to throw his hands up in the air and say, "That's it! I've had it! You're grounded!" And then we whine, "But why? That's not fair!" Really? That's not fair? What's not fair is giving everything you have for someone else and them taking it for granted. That's not fair. But our kids do it to us daily and we, as children of God, do it to our Daddy daily as well.

So, I guess, take this as a warning to stop messing around. If you know God has called you to do something - do it already! Delayed obedience is still disobedience.

"Good Friday" seems like a weird title for the day we celebrate the death of our savior.

This has been on my heart all week. I've always been bothered by the term "Good Friday." I mean, my savior - the one in which I place all my hope, all my trust - suffered a brutal death on this day. And we call it good? It wasn't pleasant, it was downright painful. It was humiliating. It was traumatic. It was barbaric. It was horrific. But good? Yes, it was good.

Definition of Good: (via dictionary.com)
1. morally excellent; virtuous; righteous;
2. satisfactory in quality, quantity, or degree
3. of high quality; excellent.
4. right; proper; fit
7. honorable or worthy;
10. genuine; not counterfeit
11. sound or valid
23. sufficient or ample
24. advantageous; satisfactory for the purpose

You see, to understand why Jesus' suffering was a good thing, you have to go back to the beginning. I mean ALL the way back. To the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve had it all. They lived in Paradise, they lived in peace. Most amazingly to me, they lived with God and were able to see Him and speak to Him face to face.

But then sin crept in. It did it the way it always does, slyly and with trickery. Establishing doubt where there is no reason for doubt. Asking Eve, "Did God really say you can't eat from any tree in the garden?" To which Eve answered, "No, we can eat from the trees, just not the one in the middle of the garden..." to which he replied, "You won't die... you will be like God knowing good from evil." And Eve fell for it. (see Genesis chapter 3)

And with that, sin crept into the world. Before, there was no shame, no remorse. But now, mankind was shameful of their own nakedness, and that is when the first sacrifice was made. God could have used leaves and bark to fashion clothes for them, but instead, he made "garments of skin" for them. It doesn't say it specifically in scripture(after all God could have made the skins out of thin air without killing an animal), but many believe that this was the first shedding of innocent blood to cover the sins of man.

Fast forward a bit to the exodus from Egypt. God had made a covenant with Abraham (sealed with the sacrifice of innocent animals) that he would inherit (what we refer to as) the Holy Land. But here his descendants were, slaves in Egypt. So God sent Moses to command Pharaoh to "Let God's people go." But Pharoah refused so God sent plague after plague after plague. Still Pharoah refused. So, finally, God told the Israelites to sacrifice a year old lamb - perfect, without any defect - and spread the blood on their door frames. That night God passed through Egypt striking down the firstborn of all men and animals. But when he saw the blood on the Israelites doorposts, he passed over them. The lamb's blood saved them from death.

So every year from that point on, the Israelites (as God had commanded them to do) celebrated the Passover. Every year, they sacrificed a lamb, continually reestablishing the covenant they had with God. The lamb's blood was what purified them. It was the payment for their sins. EVERY YEAR. Every year, innocent blood was required to cover mankind's sins.

Then came Jesus.

Jesus was the pure passover lamb. There was no blemish found in him. He was pure of heart. He was perfect in every way. Year after year of seeing innocent blood shed, God took the final step and sent his only son to earth to be the ultimate and final blood sacrifice for man's sins. Though Christ proclaimed only the truth, he was found guilty of blaspheme. Those who accused him called for his death.

They couldn't do the killing themselves, because they wanted to remain clean so they could take part in the passover meal to come. So they turned Jesus over to a Roman ruler to judge and convict him. This ruler found no fault in Jesus, but had him beaten to a bloody pulp in hopes that it would satisfy the religious rulers. And yet when they saw his bloody, almost unrecognizable body, they shouted, "Crucify him!" Humiliation and pain were not enough, they wanted him dead.

The roman ruler saw no other way out, so he handed him over to his soldiers to be crucified. With his back shredded, in places even exposing bone, he was forced to carry his own cross to the hill where he was then nailed to it. He was lifted up for all to see.

The religious leaders looked on with satisfaction. They had, after all, gotten rid of the man who claimed to be God. Then they went on their way to celebrate the Passover meal and to sacrifice a lamb, whose blood would atone for their sins. Jesus followers looked upon the cross, tears streaming from their eyes, wondering what had gone so horribly wrong. They didn't yet fully understand that their sacrificial lamb was hanging up on the cross.

And Jesus? He prayed that God would forgive those crucifying him because they didn't understand what they were doing!

The moment Jesus died, the curtain of the temple was torn in two. This curtain had, for centuries, separated man from God. There is a place inside the temple called the Holy of Holies. Only the High Priest, once a year, is allowed to enter the Holy of Holies and even then he is allowed to do so only to offer a sin sacrifice for the nation. But when Christ died, and the curtain was torn, we, who believe in him, were given non-restricted access to the Holy of Holies - to God the Father, through the blood sacrifice of his son.

When you believe that Jesus is who he said he is (the son of God) and you accept that you have messed up and can't fix it on your own; and you ask Jesus to come into your life and take control of it, you then have taken part in the ultimate Passover. You accept the blood that Jesus shed as a new covenant between you and God, acknowledging that Jesus is the Way and the Truth and the Life and that no one can get to the Father except through Him (Jesus).

The best part of the story is that Good Friday wasn't the end. It was just the beginning. Because Jesus, being a perfect, unblemished sacrifice once and for all made atonement for our sins. In other less churchy words, he prepaid for all the stupid stuff we'll ever do. His blood will never run out, it will always be enough to cover whatever it is you or I have done... from now till the end of time. You know how I know it was enough? All the lambs that had been sacrificed century after century stayed dead. But the perfect sacrifice, Jesus, rose again. Death had no hold over him. Satan did not win that day. He did not succeed in killing the Son of God. God won.

And so, yeah, I guess good is the right word to use for this Friday.

I'm no alpha dog

Though the majority of my time is spent at home with my kids, I also work a few hours a week at the preschool at our church. Well, this week the main teacher is gone so I get to step in and fill her shoes. I don't mind. I do basically the same job I do as an aide, but just with a more visible leadership role.

A couple of the other teachers asked me how my day went. I told them this analogy: "You know how in a pack of dogs there is always an alpha dog? Well, our alpha dog isn't here so everyone is battling me for that position."

The kids in our school are super sweet and mostly well-behaved. But let's face it, they're still kids. So, with their teacher gone, they took it upon themselves to tell each other what to do. There seemed to be more bickering than usual today. I heard a lot of, "You're not supposed to do that," and "I don't have to do it that way."

Aren't we the same way with God? When we know he's present, we're on our best behaviors. But as soon as we feel like he's stepped back a bit, we try to take the reigns. We try to take over his position of alpha dog. In order to be the alpha dog however, we have to make everyone else follow us. Sometimes we bark orders to force others to our way of thinking. Other times we do what we think will make the most people happy so we can have lots of followers. But really, wouldn't it be simpler to just follow God and stop trying to take over his role.

With my kiddos today at preschool, I had to remind them who was in charge. As we sat in our circle time I asked the kids, "Who's the teacher?"
They answered, "You are."
I followed up with, "So who is the only one who should be telling others what to do?"
"The teacher."
"That's right. Now tell me this. When you were fighting over the right way to do something, did you have any time to play? Or did you spend all your time arguing?"
"Arguing."
And then, because God has an awesome sense of humor one of the kids piped up, "Miss Naomi, Miss Naomi!"
"Yes ______."
"I have a dog."

I love these kids.

Treasures in Heaven

I love my son's faith. He just amazes me sometimes. I mean really, he has yet gotten to the point where he has (like so many of us Christians) let the world tell him what God is or isn't capable of. He believes, just like scripture says, that if he asks God for something he WILL get an answer.

For example: a new speaker system for his daddy.

Hang with me here... Keith and I had a conversation only a day or so before this story takes place. Keith was really bothered by how much Jaedon askes God for. As Keith put it, he didn't want Jaedon to think that God was his own personal genie. While I agreed with that, I didn't want to put limits on how Jaedon prays, because God has already schooled me (via a 27 cent goldfish - see some earlier posts if you don't know what I mean) in the fact that he WILL answer my kids prayers even when I think He won't. Fast forward a day or two, and God gave Keith a lesson in this as well.

Keith has been working on finishing our basement for quite a while now. Finally, that day came when we were able to afford a new TV and surround sound speakers. The brand new couch had been broken in just two days before when Emma puked on it. (Yay Emma!) Now that I think about it, I think Emma "breaking in" the new couch was God's way of preparing Keith for the trauma to come. Anyway, so there Keith was, teaching Jaedon how to hook up his new speaker system. It was good bonding time for them... until Jaedon stuck two of the speaker wires into a live electrical outlet. Yep. A live electrical outlet... and now a dead receiver. Keith didn't yell or scream. He just walked away.

I think Jaedon knew instantly he did something bad. He apologized profusely. Keith told him he wasn't mad at him, just upset that his new toy was broken. To which Jaedon answered, "Just remember, Daddy. Your treasures are in Heaven, not on earth."

Ouch.

When Keith came to me to tell me what happened he said, "Jaedon is probably praying for God to fix it."

Later that night, Keith called the company he ordered the speaker system from. The 30 day warranty had run out 2 days before. But, they said no problem and replaced the entire system for free. Wow!

When Keith told Jaedon the good news the next morning, Jaedon exclaimed, "I didn't think God would answer my prayer that way!"

Keith and I didn't even see the answer to prayer, but Jaedon sure did. It took my 7 year old to point out God's hand a work. I am so grateful that I have that little man so full of faith to teach me about God.

Matthew 18:18-20 (New International Version, ©2011)

18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be[a] bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be[b] loosed in heaven.

19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

Matthew 21:22
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”

Mark 11:24
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

John 16:24
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Let God fill the gap

Most of my posts on here deal with how I'm learning to see my relationship with God through my relationship with my kids. This one, however, stems from a conversation I had with a friend this evening.

This friend was talking about how she feels that she and her family are supposed to go on a missions trip. They are even feeling called to a specific country. Yet, they haven't made a commitment because of money. Now, the worldly, logical answer would be to save up until they could afford it. But, the Godly, sometimes crazy seeming answer would be to commit to going then let God take care of providing the money. I told her about when I felt called to going to Haiti last year, I didn't have the money. But I stepped out in faith and committed to go. When all was said and done over 3/4 of my trip was paid for by donations from others. I told her, "You can't base your decision on what you're willing to cover just in case God doesn't step in. That's limiting God."

As I drove home, I started thinking about this. I mean, really, how many times do I limit God's ability to work in my life? If I'm going to live out my Christian faith in it's purest form, shouldn't all my "major" decisions require God to fill a gap that I can't fill myself?

Sure, there are the financial decisions. Like when we bought our house. After much prayer we felt it was the right house for us. Did we have the money? No. But we felt this was where we were supposed to be. So we put in a bid - the same day someone else also turned in a big for a higher rate. Yet, the homeowner chose our bid - even though they could have made more money with the other offer. We saw God's hand at work.

But there are also emotional decisions. The easiest example is marriage. Marriage, no matter what the world tells you, is not 50/50. It's 100/100. Talk about a leap of faith to give all of yourself to another, fallible human being. Even after almost 13 years of marriage, I have to step out in faith that God will fill the gap when my husband doesn't give 100% of himself to me. Just like Keith has to step out in faith in regards to me. Neither of us is perfect. But God is. When we step out and say, "God, I know things aren't good with Keith/Naomi right now. But I will step out and give all of myself to them. I know they may not see it or respond favorably to it, but I know that you will fill that gap in my heart. You will fill that gap in our relationship. Your presence there will draw us closer to one another. And even if the other person never changes, your grace is sufficient for me."

Hard to do? You bet.

Worth it? Oh yes!

If all your decisions are based on what you can do or what you can handle, your faith will never grow. You are limiting God's work in your life. I have never been more amazed by God than when I've taken that step and felt His hand holding me up. Try it. He just might blow you mind!

Walking God's path, at his pace.

I love going on walks. To me it is a form of exercise that doesn't feel like exercise. It is relaxing. It gives me quiet time that I can't get in a chaotic house with small children. It gives me a chance to breath in fresh air and to hear the birds singing. But that all changes when I bring my kids along.

It's no longer a relaxing saunter. It becomes a frantic chase to keep up with one child while the other lags behind. I can't quite catch my breath because I'm spending all of it answering a multitude of questions from, "Why is that dog barking?" to, "Mom, do you think there is pizza in Heaven?" The birds are drowned out by the cries of, "Jaedon, wait for me at the corner. Don't cross the street!" and "Mommy my legs are tired, will you carry me?" But sometimes, we just walk silently hand in hand. I find these walks an odd mix of frustration and stress mingled with precious moments with my kids.

Part of our "assignment" from church this week is to spend time in solitude. I was actually able to do that this morning. My mind was mulling over a phrase that I feel God gave me a few days ago: "God's path, His pace." And then pictures started floating through my head, replaying walks I've had with my kids. And the phrase made sense.

When I walk with my heavenly Daddy, sometimes I get excited with what I see two blocks away. So I run to look at it. He hollers, "Wait for me at the corner, you're not ready to cross that street by yourself yet."

If I don't listen and run too far ahead, I miss the fact that I went straight and He turned the corner. Or what about the times that he keeps moving and I stop to investigate a single leaf in the gutter? "Naomi, come on. You need to keep up with me!"

Or how about when I cry, "Daddy, can you carry me? My legs are tired." Just like with my little girl, God's answer is one of two things. Either he sees I'm exhausted and physically unable to move forward, so he puts me on his shoulders and carries me. Or (and this is usually the answer to my Emma) He says, "No child. You're a big girl. You can walk to the rest of the way home."

But the absolute best times when I'm walking with God is when we walk hand in hand. I feel that is where I'm at right now. I feel the winds of change blowing and I want to run ahead to see what is coming. But I resist, because I don't want to get there unless my Daddy is right beside me.

Lean on Me

We used to have a dog that was a real leaner. He was a Great Dane... awesome dog. When he stood his shoulder was right at my hip level. He would always come up along side us and as soon as we started petting his head he would lean into us - all 120 pounds of him. If you weren't ready for it he would knock you over. It was a distinct trait about him. We'd have to warn guests that if they were going to pet him, to be prepared to hold up his weight. And sure enough, anyone who pet him and didn't heed our advice would get knocked over.

I've noticed my kids are leaners too. The other day in church we were all standing to sing. My kids stood on the chairs beside me so they could see - one kid on each side of me. The longer we sang, the more they leaned into me. It struck me at that moment that God tells us we can do the same.

We don't have to be going through a hard time to lean on him. Things don't have to be spiraling out of control before we lean into his embrace. You see, even when things couldn't be better God calls us to lean into him. It's a vulnerable place to be. If you lean fully into God, you're giving up control of where you're going. God is not some school yard bully that is going to move out of the way and watch us fall. But some people have trouble trusting that. These people never put all their weight into God. They hold back, just in case God moves and they're not ready for it. They don't trust him fully.

I think that is why sometimes God lets things get a little crazy in our lives. He wants us to feel what it's like to lean into him. Sadly, some of us don't start leaning until standing on our own has proven dangerous. Then and only then will we lean into God.

The thing is, my dog knocked me down a few times because sometimes I wasn't ready to hold him up. But you can never take God off guard. He's always braced, ready to hold you up.

I guess I'm okay after all!

It seems like all the lessons I've learned about God from my kids has come from what they do that drives me crazy. They drive me crazier and crazier until I finally look at it and say, "Wow, God! Is that what I do to you?" It gets a bit disheartening to think that I act like a five year old towards God.

I was thinking about that today when God opened my eyes to help me see that I don't only learn about what I'm doing wrong through my kids. He has also shown me what I've done right.

At least twice in the past week, complete strangers have approached Keith and told him how well behaved our kids were. I'm not talking about him passing someone in line, the kids saying, "Excuse me," and the stranger saying, "Oh, how polite they are!" I mean Keith has been in a business establishment for an hour or more and a worker at the place has sought him out to say, "I just want you to know I have seen a lot of kids in here today and your children are by far the most well-behaved."

Wow! Keith and I talked about this and came to the same conclusion: The other person must have really meant it. How many times have you been in a restaurant and saw a kid acting out and thought to yourself, "If that were my kid...!?" I have never thought, "Wow! That kid is very polite. I should tell his mother." We notice the bad, but seldom the good. Even when we notice, rarely do we say anything. But two people, within days of each other, took the time to point out what good people our kids are.

This Momma is proud! Of them, not of what I've done, but really truly of them. When I taught them their manners, they learned. When I taught them why we show respect to others and think of others first, they learned. When I taught them why when Mom says "no" it means "no", they learned. But not only did they learn it and make it head knowledge, they made it a part of who they are. They could have learned it, made it head knowledge, then knowingly decided to defy what they know is right. (See any analogies here for Christians???) That's why I'm proud.

Here's a perfect example from a few weeks ago. I'm in charge of the prayer chain at our church. When I get an e-mail with a request I stop right then and pray. Well, I had my laptop out at the kitchen table. Jaedon was sitting beside me playing with his legos. I read my e-mail, closed my eyes, and prayed silently. When I looked up, Jaedon was beside me with his head bowed. He looked up and asked, "Mom, what did we just pray for?" I never taught him that! But he has seen me pray often enough that he knows what it is and who I'm talking to. He chose, for himself, to stop and join me - even though he knew no specifics. Wow! To me that is a Godly man in the making!

So, what does all this teach me about my relationship with God? That He is a proud parent too! God gave me this visual image (I love it when he does this) of God on his throne with Jesus by his side. The devil is pacing back and forth before him. Hatred spews from his mouth. "But Lord," he hisses, "Didn't you see her sin yesterday? It was right before your eyes!"

Jesus answers, "My sister has asked me for forgiveness. I have washed her clean."

The devils face flushes with anger as he continues to pace.

Then angels chime in (I'm not sure why I have angels in my mind - maybe to represent the strangers): "Oh Lord, your daughter has done so much for you. I saw her working for the kingdom and it was amazing! She has such love for your people. You must be so proud."

To which God answers with a smile, "Yes. Yes I am!"

A Spiritual Spanking

We never listen the first time do we?

I tell my kids it’s time to get ready for bed so they need to go brush their teeth. Ten minutes later they’re still standing at the sink playing with who knows what.

“Brush your teeth!” I yell.

They quickly act like I had just caught them in the middle of getting their toothbrushes ready as they yell back, “I am.” Or they have some excuse like, “I had to go potty.”

Uh, huh.

So, another minute passes and I don’t hear their toothbrushes. “Brush your teeth!”

“Ok!” Then some jabbering and giggling, but no toothbrush.

“You can’t talk and brush your teeth at the same time. Brush your teeth!”

“Okay!” Still no toothbrush sounds, only quieter jabbering and giggling.

“If I have to tell you one more time, you’re getting a spanking!”

“Okay!” and immediately I hear the toothbrushes roar to life.

Why is it they take so much time getting done what they know has to get done? It’s not like it’s something new, we do this every night. It isn’t as if they didn’t know it was time to brush their teeth, they had been told at least four times. And every night it’s the same routine. I don’t want to spank them, so I just keep yelling. Maybe if I would spank them the first time it would be done, and hopefully they’d learn their lesson and would brush their teeth from then on whenever I told them to. Maybe not.

But how often do we do this with God? He reminds us to read his word. “Okay,” we say, and then we go on our merry way without opening our Bible even once during the day. The next Sunday at church the sermon is on the importance of staying in God’s word. “Okay,” we say again, “I really need to get in the habit of reading.” But another week passes without our Bibles being opened. At Bible study we hear about a scripture that God used to really touch something in one of our sisters lives and we think, “Wow! God spoke to her through scripture. I need to get into the Word so I can have that kind of experience.” But yet, more time passes and our Bibles stay closed. God loves us so he’s going to discipline us to get us to do what we need to do. Staying out of His word when he has revealed to us, through the Holy Spirit and our circumstances, that we need to be in the word is disobedience. It’s sin. So, maybe he’s going to give us a spiritual spanking to get our attention once and for all. I don’t know what this would look like for each individual, but I know what it looked like and felt like to me.

I was on a short-term mission trip in Gonaives, Haiti and we spent one lunch period at a feeding center. While there, we saw a little girl, maybe 3 or 4 years old who was malnourished and severely dehydrated. As we passed out food, one of the women (Anna) in our group held this little girl who had passed out. She tried to wake her up to eat, but the little girl wouldn’t awaken. The few times she was able to open her eyes, her eyes just rolled back into her head. One of the workers at the feeding center came over and took the little girl’s pulse. I remember thinking, “I’m watching a child die!” Someone handed over a water bottle to Anna who was able to get some water into the little girl’s mouth. At first nothing happened. But then slowly the girl came around and started sucking down the water like she hadn’t had any for days.

That night as I journaled the events of the day, I asked God why He had shown me that little girl. I knew there had to be a reason. Well, God gave me a spiritual pop on my spiritual behind. He reminded me that before leaving for the trip I had been deep in His word, pouring over it for an hour or two each day, but since arriving in Haiti, I hadn’t opened my Bible. “Child,” I felt him telling me, “just like that girl, you are malnourished. She may be dying physically from lack of physical food, but you are dying spiritually from lack of spiritual food.” Immediately the words of Mark 4:4 came to mind. “Jesus replied, ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” And then I was led to John 1:1 “In the beginning was the Word and the word was with God and the word was God.” (Emphasis mine). “Child,” he told me, “I am the word and you are not living in the word, therefore you are not filling your spiritual gut up with sustenance. You may be here in this place on a spiritual mission that I sent you on, but if you do not remain in me I cannot remain in you and you will starve to death.”

I wish I could say that I now spend time every day in the Word. But I don't. Just like my kids don't always brush their teeth immediately upon being told to do so. But I try. I am better. And when I start to slide backwards God gets my attention by bringing this spiritual spanking to mind. It is a lesson I will never forget.

How the goldfish taught me to pray.

I've talked about our goldfish once before (see "A Cloudy, stinky mess). I find it funny.... maybe ironic that God uses something I consider of little value to teach me valuable lessons.

So, a quick recap on this goldfish: we've had him/her/it/whatever for 3(?) years. It was purchased for a whopping 27 cents as a pet for our kids. It has grown from an inch to about 5 inches and has survived when all other fish (purchased at intervals over the past 3 years) have died. When we first got him/her/it/whatever our daughter, Emma, was only about three years old. She named it - and the other 2 goldfish we got at the time - Pony. Now that she's a little older she's changed it's name to Aleah - or Lena. She seems to change her mind weekly. :)

Well, a couple of months ago I thought it'd be a good idea to get a couple more goldfish. So, the kids and I went to the pet store and picked out three really fancy 27 cent fish. All was happy in goldfish land until the new fish started dying off one by one. Within three weeks the tank belonged solely to Aleah again.

Then, tragedy struck. Aleah became sick. I thought several times she was dead. She would sit at the bottom of the tank and not move - not even her gills. I couldn't see anything visably wrong with her. This went on for several days. I kept waiting for her to die. Honestly, I'm the only one who takes care of the fish and I'd gladly give up the responsibility. But then Emma said something that made me cringe.

"Momma," she said, "We should pray for God to make Aleah better."

My first thought was, "How am I going to explain to her why God didn't answer her prayer?"

So we prayed. Emma prayed a little, Jaedon prayed a little, then I added something like this, "God, please help Aleah get well. And, Lord, if you chose to take her to heaven please help us be okay with that."

Logical prayer. I expected a logical outcome - one dead fish.

What did I get? A lesson from God on how he wants me to have faith like a child. The next morning I went in to get the kids up and around fully expecting there to be a dead fish in their fish tank. What did I see? Aleah swimming around like nothing had ever been wrong. God healed our 27 cent fish!!! Why? Because my kids asked him to.

The point was driven home even more so because at the time I was dealing with some things that I thought weren't big enough to bring to God. My problems weren't important enough to bother the creator of the universe... or so I thought. But, wait a minute, if he answers the prayer of a 5 year old girl to heal her silly little fish, won't he answer my prayers too? Of course he will!

I wish I could say that I learned my lesson. But this was the second time I received a lesson from God on being able to come to him with anything. (The first lesson came about 3-4 years ago in the form of an egret). And here I am a month later, still struggling with feeling my problems aren't important enough to bring to God. When will I ever learn?

God, help me to trust you always. When I see my kids and how there is no hesitation to pray to you, I'm filled with a longing for their faith. How is it I can teach them to trust you when I have trouble trusting you myself? Help me to trust you Lord. Please. I can't do it on my own.

Looking back: Haiti -Day 9 - the Final Day - Jan. 7th 2010

Day 9
January 7th
Thursday

Wow! So here we are, the end of the trip. With all we did and all we went through it seems impossible that all of it took place in nine days. There really isn't a whole lot to tell about the last day. I didn't go to bed until around 1:00 am and I was up by 4:30am. But just like the day traveling to Haiti - I woke up wide (sort of) awake. Shelby & Amanda's boyfriends (Aaron & Caleb) who had been there since before Christmas were flying home to the States this day as well. Their flight was 2 hours before ours so that meant we all got to leave early. Thanks guys!!!

I had hoped to get some sleep on the road, but that's impossible on Haitian roads. So, I spent my time staring out the window at the scenery we didn't get to see on the way in (since it was night time then). Haiti really is beautiful if you can look past the poverty and trash. Once you get away from the city there is grass & trees. It is in a tropical climate after all.

I debated whether or not to tell this little bit of info. I haven't even told Keith about it. I'm still not sure what to make of it, whether it was a tired brain, or a thin veil that was pulled back for a moment. You know how as a kid you'd look at clouds to see what you could see in their shapes? As I stared out my car window that morning, it was overcast. These weren't fluffy white clouds, but grey & gloomy. Normally when you see shapes in clouds it's a bunny or dog or something. As I looked, I saw in the shadows of the clouds the stereotypical image of the devil's face - horns and all. I stared at it for several minutes and it didn't change. As I stared I prayed. I prayed for Haiti, for the Kids in Bor Kanal, for God to make himself known to the people of Haiti. I closed my eyes and prayed some more. When I opened them the image was gone and in its place was a cross. I'm still not sure if it was a tired mind that was making up things or if God was allowing me to see something else. I really don't know. But I do know I saw it. I know, I know, I'm just making the case stronger for me being a nut. I'm cool with that!

Normally, I would chalk the above situation to imagination. But, God revealed something to me in my journaling time that has caused me to wonder. I didn't have time to journal Wednesday night. We were too busy getting things packed and just enjoying our last moments in Haiti. So, on the plane ride from Haiti to Miami I wrote my journal entry for Wednesday. Often when I journaled, as I wrote things down God spoke in that moment. Here's what I wrote for Wednesday:
"I felt God's presence. I had an image in my mind that morning of angels lining the path from the cars to the church and surrounding the church. I don't know if it was of God, but it blessed me.
"As kids were being let inside, the group leaders gathered behind the podium and sang, 'We're standing on Holy Ground.' Oh my goodness! It just hit me! There's a line in that song, 'And I know that there are angels all around.' I think God just told me that He placed that vision in my mind. Praise Jesus! God spoke to me in a supernatural way!!! I can't wait to share this with someone!!!"

Did God speak in an audible voice? No. Did I hear him? Definitely. No doubt in my mind about that.

We were blessed on the trip home and didn't have trouble getting to our plane on time. We did have to run through the Dallas airport again to make our connection (they even had to hold the plane to get our checked baggage on). For the first time as I relate this experience to you, I'm fighting back tears. It was such a relief to be headed home to my family. I had been too busy to really think about missing them, but that never stopped my heart from aching for them. I know God called me to Haiti, I didn't know why until he told me that I was called to teach the kids in Bor Kanal. Now that my mission in Haiti was complete I was ready to claim my prize. I had run my race and I ran it with everything I had. I'm feeling that relief all over again as I finish telling my story.

But that's the kicker isn't it... this isn't the end of the story. Who knows how long I'll live. My earthly mission isn't complete until the day I die. God didn't give me life to have me teach 3 days in Haiti and do nothing else with my life. Here in the U.S., for now, my mission is my kids and my family. Some days it is hard to see it that way because it comes naturally - this is the job, the lifestyle I have chosen. But my kids are a gift from God. The next time you hear me gripping about them you have permission to remind me of that - sometimes we all need reminders of our missions.

I don't know what my mission assignment will be a few years from now. But it doesn't matter. My job is to focus on the here and now. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own without adding to it if I've heard God's calling on my life for the future - especially if I haven't been focused on what he's calling me to do now.

So what's your mission? You don't have to go to another country to have a mission. It could be a neighbor, a friend. Heck, yesterday in Dillon's there was an older gentleman behind me that didn't know how to use the self-checkout. Do I work at Dillon's? No. Did I help him anyway? Yep. (Did the Dillon's attendant even notice? - no). It doesn't matter if it's a big mission or even an important one. What matters is if you pay attention to what God is telling you to do and are OBEDIENT to it. You can't avoid the small assignments because you're waiting for your big one. Do you really think God is going to give you something big if you haven't proven yourself with the small things? Would you trust your teenage kid with the Porsche if he hasn't proven he can drive the Pinto? Didn't think so.

Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! Thank you to all who have sent me encouragement to keep writing this. It has been hard, but totally worth it - just like going to Haiti! You may not realize it, but your encouragement also helped keep me accountable to God to write this daily. (Because there were a couple of days that I would have really liked that extra hour of sleep).

Well, I welcome any questions you have. There are plenty of stories I didn't tell, so feel free to ask. Thanks for sticking with me the past 9 days as I relived this journey.

God bless!
Naomi <><

Oh, I almost forgot. I've had a couple of people ask... if you want to pass any of this along to other people - feel free. Even if it's just to make fun of the crazy (hopefully effective) nut. :)

Looking back: Haiti -Day 8 - Jan. 6th 2010

January 6th
Wednesday

Every time I have sat down to write these e-mails the past week, it has not been with an eager heart. More like an obedient one. You see, once I started this, I knew I had to finish it. But each e-mail takes about an hour out of my day. That's an hour I could be reading a book or just chilling, or (on some days) going to bed at a decent time! What has really been cool about it though, is that even though I don't look forward to getting this stuff out, once I start typing, everything just flows. Even though it takes forever to do it, while in the process of typing it doesn't feel like it's really taking all that long. I love how God has been doing that for me. On top of the time commitment, some of it is exhausting to relive. As soon as I'm thinking about those days in great detail I'm transported mentally back to that time and place. Yesterdays e-mail wiped me out. ***weird side note - as I was writing about all the spiritual warfare last night my dog was FREAKING out! She wouldn't stop barking. I never heard anything, and I never saw anything. I didn't feel that same oppressive spirit, but I felt that stopping and praying was the right thing to do. So I did, then she calmed down and just napped on the floor by my feet. Hmmm...***

Okay, so here we are at the last day of VBS. The night before I was really struggling within myself to go back to Bor Kanal. I'm having trouble putting it into words. I think I was just tired emotionally and spiritually (physically I was fine). But God kept bringing verses to my mind that talked about perseverance and endurance. Then I remembered that before the trip, Pastor Tom told me that when in a situation like Haiti, you can't depend on your emotions to get you through, you have to depend on God's endurance. I was reminded of scripture that had stuck out at me on Sunday. It was James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." There are three scriptures that really stick out in my mind right now that really relate to the way I was feeling on that final day of VBS. In my mind I kept thinking that this was the race, today was the finish line and it was not the time to slow down, but to kick everything into gear and give everything I have. When I was still training in Taekwondo I had two favorite phrases that I would use to keep myself going when I was about out of steam. The first one was, "Suck it up!" I know, so encouraging right? But sometimes that’s just what you have to do - you suck it up - you don't think about the pain or the fact that you're out of breath - you dig in and don't let up. My other favorite phrase was "Leave it all on the floor." It's probably pretty self-explanatory, but it meant to put everything out there. You don't want to walk away from a testing or a competition with any energy left. You want to leave it all in the ring. Well, that's what I felt this day was for me. It was the day to suck it up and leave it all in Haiti. Mentally to me - this was a race.

Here are the verses that have a whole new significance for me.
2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

Hebrews 12:1 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."

As we prayed Tuesday night we decided as a group to try to get to the church about 15 minutes early so we could get in before the kids and have time to pray in the church. We also wanted to sing "We're standing on Holy ground" before the kids got in there. That's a song we sang during our praise time that just really seemed to be relevant to our situation. That morning as we were preparing to leave for Bor Kanal I had this image in my head of angels lining the pathway from the cars to the church and surrounding the church. It gave me such comfort.

Well, unfortunately we didn't have the truck so by the time we tied the benches to the roof of the car and somehow fit two Rubbermaid tubs and at least 20 people into two vehicles we arrived about 10 minutes late. Just like the days before, as soon as the kids saw us they swarmed the church. However, today, Grandma Elphni was in the church sweeping and kept the doors closed so no one could get in. It still looked like a mob on the outside of the church, trying to push to be at the front of the line to get in, but I couldn't stop smiling. I felt God's presence and his protection. I knew this would be a good day. Our group somehow made it to the front of the line and got inside and the bouncers were able to let in just a few kids at a time in an orderly fashion. As it was, Jan and I were stuck in the back of the crowd and couldn't get through, so we walked around to the back of the church and went in that way. Grandma Elphni was the one that let us in and she was so sweet. Again - it's that love thing - there is no language barrier.

As soon as our whole group was together we gathered at the front of the church and said a prayer than sang our song. I'm telling you, I felt so at peace. The day before was chaos, but this was the complete opposite. God was in control.

I told Jiffy that since the day before had been so hard, I just wanted to sing lots of praise songs before getting into the lesson. So that's what he did. It was wonderful! When it came time for the lesson, I didn't feel God's leading like I had the previous two days. Thankfully God had given me a heads up that things would be different today, otherwise I might have panicked. Before ever getting to the church I felt that God was telling me that He had said all He needed to say and that now it was my turn to speak. As I wrote in my journal:
"There were a couple of specific things I felt led to say, but the rest was almost like God was telling me, 'I spoke through you the last two days. I have given them the Truth, now it is your turn to do your part.' Maybe I felt that way because I can honestly say I have never led anyone to Christ. The Bible says that He calls people to Himself, but it also tells us it is our responsibility to witness to them and to make disciples. Make - an action word. God was saying it was time to fulfill my duty."

So, that's what I did. In a nutshell I told them that yesterdays lesson was really hard for me to teach and it may have been hard to hear and receive as well. I told them how I had heard people call me a liar while I spoke to them, but that the Bible says (and this was God's prompting) "Jesus is the way and the Truth and the life and no one can come to the Father, no one can get to Heaven without Faith in Jesus Christ." And guess what I heard outside the church walls? "Monte! Monte! Monte!" I told them that I felt I had said everything God wanted me to tell them and that it was now time to choose. Did they want to accept what I believe to be the Truth which is that Jesus loved us so much that he died for us and rose again on the third day conquering sin and death or did the want to believe Satan - who wants us to be miserable and angry, sick and hungry. I told them that if they wanted to accept Jesus into their lives that all they had to do was invite him in and I led them through the prayer of salvation.

As soon as I was done teaching Jiffy came up to me and asked, "Can I call those to the center that want to accept Jesus." I was like "OF COURSE!!!" I'm so grateful that he asked to do that, not that he needed my permission, but it did two things. First, and most important, it gave the kids a chance to have a more personal prayer time - more one on one - without a translation slowing down the process. Secondly, it allowed us to see that mighty work God had done. Jiffy asked if anyone wanted to accept Christ and IMMEDIATELY 6-7 kids ran to the center of the room to join him. He asked again and even more came. In all there were 25-30 kids. He asked them some questions - things like "Do you believe Jesus is the son of God," "Do you believe Jesus died for your sins?" "Do you believe that he rose on the third day?" And then he prayed with them. One of the happiest moments of my life!!!

When they were done praying, one girl asked a question. Jiffy turned to me and said, "She wants to know what to do since she doesn't have church clothes." Remember in Haiti - no church clothes equals no admittance to church. I was so happy to tell her to come back next week and Miss Jan would be there, that she could always come to Kids Club and learn about Jesus from Jan. Do you see how important Jan's presence is? Without a missionary willing to work with these kids, they would be like the seed that fell on rocky soil. Their new found faith would grow, but the roots wouldn't be strong and it would wither. Please continue to pray for Jan and these kids!!!

I was so giddy the rest of the day. I'm sure I was obnoxious! But who cares, it was for good reason. The rest of my day was spent packing and going to market to buy souvenirs. I had told Jan that I had no desire to ever go to market again, but she promised me we wouldn't be going to the same area. It was a much more pleasant experience than the first time. Plus, Donald, my security blanket, was there with us.

Something cool that I didn't know about until later that was just a blessing to me... Maegan told me that there was one boy in her group that was in tears when I was leading them through the prayer. He was one of the first ones to Jiffy (I think the boy in the white shirt and blue shorts in the attached pictures). Someone else said that they had kids crying too, and those were the ones that accepted Christ. It was encouraging because you wonder how many accepted Christ and really understood it. But to me, that was proof that it was a heartfelt decision on their part.

At the end of each day of our journal there is a place to write "Blessings you received today." For this day I wrote: "Feeling God say, "Well done good and faithful servant!" Nothing quite like knowing you pleased God. :)



***Bonus Story***
I had some people ask to hear the Egret Story, so I figured instead of sending out two mass e-mails, I'd attach it to this one.

It happened about 2 1/2 years ago. My son, Jaedon was 4 years old and driving me NUTS with questions. He would ask them ALL DAY LONG! It was summertime and I was bringing him home from swimming lessons. We drove by a community pond and there was a bird by the water.
"Mom," he asked, "what kind of bird is that?"
"What bird," I asked, already exhausted from the 10,000 questions he had asked that morning.
"That white one."
I glanced out the window. "I don't know."
"But mom, I really want to know what it is!"
"Jaedon, I'm sorry, but I don't know." Then for some reason, I think out of pure frustration and exhaustion I said, "Why don't you ask God? Maybe he'll tell you."
"Okay," he said. Then he started praying, "God, can you tell Momma what kind of bird that is because I really want to know," and this is how he ended - still does - all his prayers, "because that would be so nice, in Jesus name, Amen!"
IMMEDIATELY, and I mean immediately, the word egret came to mind. "Jaedon," I said, slightly bewildered, "I think that's an egret."
"Oh, okay. Thanks!"
And wouldn't' you know it! I got home, typed "egret" into a Google search and there was a picture of the bird we had seen. That was God's way of letting me know he was there - and he was listening! Ever since that day, when I see an egret my spirits are immediately lifted. It is a constant reminder to me that God knows me and knows what I'm going through. So that day in Haiti when I saw an egret on the way to the river, within a couple of hours of having endured heavy spiritual battle, I knew God was telling me he was still holding me tight. He was still, and always will be in control.

Looking back: Haiti -Day 7 - Jan. 5th 2010

January 5th
Tuesday

Whoever thought of taking journals on this trip was a genius. As I take the time to go back through my journal I'm remembering things that I had completely forgotten about. So, while you're getting to hear about the trip for the first time, I'm getting to relive the highs and lows and be blessed all over again.

This was our second VBS day. Remember the spiritual warfare I told you about that occurred on Sunday. I think God used that to prepare me for the even stronger warfare that was waged on this day. Every night we got together in our circle of Hope to share testimonies and just to sing praises and pray together as a group. Well, Monday night that just didn't happen. I don't know if it was because some of us were so overcome by the events of the day or if we were distracted by trying to get the craft for VBS organized or what. But it just didn't happen. Every morning we always prayed as a group. But, this day, for some reason, we had people going in all different directions and we didn't pray as a group. After reading my account, you tell me if you think it made a difference.

Donald (Jan's bodyguard & all around awesome helper) had Jan's truck that he was using to get Dan Warren to the new house (and get some supplies) so he could do construction while we did VBS. Another vehicle was used to get some of the other men over to the new house to help Dan. That left one vehicle to get the other 18 or so of us to Bor Kanal for VBS. We wanted to get there early so we could get the benches set up before letting the kids in. But, since we only had one vehicle, Ron dropped a few of us off then he and Shelby went back to the house to get the rest of the group. Okay, is that clear as mud?

On the way to the church, I led our small group in prayer. I don't remember many specifics about my prayer other than I prayed, "God you are the potter, I am the clay. Mold me into your vessel, hold me in your hand and guide me today." I truly learned the power of prayer on that trip. There were several instances where I saw very clear answers, and this was one of them.

Oh, yeah, and it was still a muddy, sludgy mess getting from the vehicles to the church. Anyway, that's not important. On this day, unlike the previous day, the door to the church was already open. So, as soon as the kids saw our car drive up they RAN to the church and started piling in. It was chaos. By the time our group made it through the crowd (which we basically had to shove ourselves through) there were already about 150+ kids in the church. I watched as our "bouncers" tried to block the door to keep a mob from coming in. It was insane! There were 3-4 kids trying to shove through the door at the same time and then moms would try to hand their babies through the doorway trying to get someone to take them. The babies were crying, the moms were yelling, some of the kids were fighting. I had to just walk away and let the guys handle it.

I stood behind the podium and just prayed. I prayed for peace, for calm, for a hedge of protection around the church and all who were in it. Right off the bat, we had to kick a few boys out because they were fighting over places to sit. Since we had such a huge influx of kids we also had to ask some of the oldest ones to leave (partly I think because they would have caused the most problems as far as starting a riot if we didn't have enough stuff), and we had to refuse the youngest - because they had no idea what was going on anyway. We ended up right around 200 again, maybe just a few more.

Jiffy started us with music again (the other half of our group wasn't even there yet). The day before it had been a pleasant sound, but this was just loud and rowdy. There were those that were still just having fun, but there was just a different atmosphere about the place. While we were singing the rest of our group arrived and Donald arrived with the benches. He told me he still had to go back and get Jan. My heart sank a little because I really wanted him there for security. He is the nicest guy, but his presence exudes a "don't you dare mess with me" vibe. No offense to the other guys - but I wanted muscle! So off he went. We sang a couple of more songs and then it was time for me to teach.

Ron had videotaped some of my teaching the first day, I'm not sure if he did the second day or not. If he did, I'd love to see it because I'm not really sure what I said! But if God spoke through me the first day, he did so even more powerfully the second. I long to be able to speak with a group of people again with the type of passion I was speaking on that day. God blessed me by using me to reach those kids. The first day we talked a lot about love and how because God loved us we wanted to come to Haiti and teach the kids that God loved them too. On the second day, God used me to tell them about Jesus and how he died for them because he loved them.

I need to pause to give some important cultural information. Voodoo also uses the cross as a religious symbol, but for a very different reason. In Christianity we celebrate Good Friday as the day Jesus died for our sins to create a doorway for us to gain salvation. He was the perfect sacrifice, blameless in all ways. They also celebrate good Friday - as the day Satan won. To them, Satan defeated Jesus by killing him on the cross. To them, Jesus never rose from the dead. They celebrate Good Friday with a festival called Rah Rah. The voodoo priests crack whips, essentially imitating the suffering Christ went through before the crucifixion. And the party goers laugh and cheer. The festival is full of all kinds of debauchery - drunkenness, lewdness, strippers, every vulgarity you can imagine.

This is my testimony of how I can prove God was speaking through me. I knew this going into VBS and I knew several of those listening outside the walls of the church were voodoo practitioners. Had it been me, I would have been too scared for my own safety to say anything about it. But God has nothing to fear. He used me to tell the kids (and any who would listen beyond those walls) that Satan did not win that day, that my Jesus defeated Satan. I told them that Satan had no power over me, that death had no power over me because I had been saved by the blood of Christ. I told them that Satan wants them to think Jesus is dead, but that I know that Jesus rose on the third day conquering Satan. I told them that if I died tomorrow, if I was murdered tomorrow that it didn't matter because I would be in Heaven with Jesus. I told them that my only hope was that someday they would come to know Jesus too, that they would accept him as their savior. It sounds like just words, but it was the most sincere thing I've ever said in my entire lifetime. As I looked at kids while I was talking several of them looked right back at me. In that look I could tell that they were getting it, that they had heard God through me. As I looked around at my other team members I saw tears in their eyes which brought tears to my own. God was talking to these kids in a very real way. Yes they saw me, but they heard God!!!

God, through me, gave the kids the plan of salvation. Using the promise bead bracelets we had brought I walked them through it. I told them that the yellow bead represented God and how much he loves us. I told them that the black stood for what our lives are like before we know God, it represents the dirt on our hearts and in our lives. I told them the red represented the blood of Christ that he shed for us because he loved us and by believing that Jesus is who he said he is and accepting him as our savior, we too can be saved from sin. I told them the white represents our hearts after the blood of Jesus has washed away all our sin - all the dirt in our lives. The green represents how I grow and know God more by obeying him and the blue represents that I have eternal life in Heaven through believing and accepting Jesus.

When I stopped teaching I told them that we were going to give each of them a bracelet and that I wanted them to really think about what the different colors meant. We started handing them out and it was like instantly the chaos hit. We had kids grabbing them and getting mad if they didn't get one right away. I felt this absolutely overwhelming oppression. It was like all the heaviness of Bor Kanal, all the darkness swarmed in on me all at once. The feelings I had from Bor Kanal that Sunday were intensified sevenfold. At that point I had been handing out bracelets too, I gave my last one away then went behind the podium at the front of the church and started crying. I couldn't control it. I was so overwhelmed. A couple of people came up and asked what was wrong and I told them, "I don't know!" Angie was one of them (love that lady) so she just put her hand on my shoulder and prayed. I collected myself long enough to tell the team that we would start handing out the crafts now.

We gave them each a paper plate with three holes punched in it and some crepe paper already glued to it. Then we gave them a baggie that had three bells and three pieces of pipe cleaner. They were making a tambourine. As I helped hand them out there was still some of the aggressiveness in some of the kids, though it was a little better. Then the oppression just hit me again. I felt like I was losing my mind. Here I had just poured out my heart and God's love to these kids and I just felt like my world was instantly falling apart. I had to go hide to cry again. I looked up from behind the podium and there was a boy there - about 10 years old - holding up his tambourine for me to see. He was smiling. I walked out to see him and show him how to make "music" with it all with tears still running down my face. He probably thought I was crazy. Stephanie came up and asked what was wrong, again I said, "I don't know! I just feel.... I don't know!" So she prayed then she said, "Look, they love it!" I looked around and they were smiling. They weren't fighting. Jiffy started leading them in song and they played those silly tambourines with joy. I smiled and said, "Well, if that isn't a joyful noise unto the Lord I don't know what is."

Afterward, when all the kids had been dismissed, we gathered as a group (Jan and Donald had gotten there right around the time they were playing the tambourines I think). Jan said that she didn't feel that God was punishing us for not meeting together in prayer, but that he was reminding us of the need to gather in prayer. You're telling me!!! So we prayed, right then and there.

Since we had not been able to give our gifts to our adoptive family the night before, Donald brought the gifts and took them to their house while we were at VBS. So, while everyone else cleaned up, he took Stephanie and I to the Elphni house. Some of the same people who had come over for dinner were there, which makes me wonder if they aren't family. I don't know. But we were able to give them our gifts, which after the heavy attack I just went through, and to an extent was still going through, was nice. I was able to give them the peppernuts I had made and explain that it was a family tradition for us to exchange them at Christmas time. They were very excited to receive the beans and rice we had purchased at the market the day before.
We gave them a huge Rubbermaid tub FULL of clothes for everyone in the family and another tub with shoes and toys. They were so thankful. I would have liked to have had more time with them, but I was still feeling a very heavy... presence... on me (I'm not sure if that's the right word - it's really hard to explain) and I just wanted to get out of Bor Kanal.

That afternoon we headed to the river - about a 45 minute drive away. Maegan, a girl in our group, had decided that she wanted to be baptized - so what better place than a river in Haiti! We took a bunch of hot dogs and water pouches with us. As in any area of Haiti, when the locals saw a group of white people congregating by the river they came to see what was going on. We started a fire and grilled the hot dogs and started handing them out. It was such a needed blessing for the whole group. After the heaviness of the morning and the aggressiveness of the VBS kids, it was just so nice to be around kids - and their parents - who were so happy. They didn't just grab the food from our hands, they took it graciously. Some of the ladies had put together a bunch of bags of clothes and toiletries that we were able to hand out. Again, they were so gracious! In Bor Kanal, this would've probably caused a riot! God knew we needed this and I am so grateful that he blessed us with our time by the river. He is so good.

That night we learned a new Creole word. Maegan wanted to teach people how to play the card game "B.S." but wanted to use a nicer word, so she asked one of the Haitian guys what the word was for liar. It's Monte. Someone piped up and said, "I've heard that word!" Huh, me too. There were several men yelling it at me while I was teaching this morning in VBS. At the time when I was teaching, I remember thinking that someone outside was mad about something. That night I realized that they were indeed yelling at me. They were yelling it during the part of the lesson where I was telling the kids that Satan didn't win, that Jesus did. Again - proof that it was God working through me. If this had been me, I would have turned tail and never gone back to Bor Kanal. I even remember thinking, "I really hope that part I said about me being murdered wasn't prophetic! Why on earth did those words come out of my mouth?"

In truth, I was so emotionally exhausted, that if we didn't go back to Bor Kanal, I think I would have been okay with that. I had just gone through battle, and the truth was, I really didn't want to go back, but I knew God was telling me to. Originally we were planning on showing the kids version of the Jesus film on the last day of VBS. We had all the equipment to be able to do so. I prayed about it all afternoon and I just never felt a peace about it. I talked to Jan, and she wasn't feeling that the time was right for the film either. At the time I thought, "Well crap! That means I have to teach again!" I really didn't want to. As amazing as it was to have been used by God, I did not want to teach. So, I did what any normal person would do and I prayed, "God if you want me to teach, I will." :) yeah, normal. But, I had decided that I would obey God, no matter what.

On the way home from the river I felt God working on me, getting me prepared for the next day, spiritually and mentally (yes I know I'm already mental - but you know what I mean!). All that night - through dinner and some games of cards, God was at work. I went to bed still praying about what to do the next day, but I knew God was still in control.

***side note - I saw an egret on the way to the river. For those of you who don't know my egret story - ask and I'll tell you in a separate e-mail***

Before bedtime that night we had an amazing and much needed time of praise and worship and prayer. I'm so glad our God is faithful!

Until tomorrow!
Naomi

Looking back: Haiti -Day 6 - Jan. 4th 2010

January 4th
Monday

I could talk forever about this day. So much happened and it ran the gamut from absolutely amazing to downright painful. When I spoke at church the Sunday after we returned, I told the congregation that I had expected my emotions to go through a roller coaster, but that I hadn't expected them to ride the tilt-a-whirl, scrambler, bumper cars, & the zipper. It was intense.

The day started out with VBS. (I keep changing it from VBS to Kids Club, but I had the term VBS in my head for so long that it's still hard to switch to saying Kids Club. So, no matter what I say, know they are one in the same.) We got to the church about 10 minutes early. First of all, get the image of an American church out of your head. Churches in Haiti are often just one room. This one looked very much like the one I sent pictures of yesterday. Except it wasn't as big and it wasn't as open so it was kind of dark inside. We had to bring extra benches because people in Haiti don't sit on the ground. So, if we were going to let 200 kids in to VBS we had to make sure we had enough seats.

The hardest part at first of VBS was knowing we had to shut the door with kids still outside. We had craft supplies and snacks for 200 kids and that was it. We had to limit the number of kids we let in so there wouldn't be any fighting over the "stuff." One of the things Jan is working on with these kids is to say please and thank you and to not grab their gifts, but to accept them graciously. For the most part these kids did really well at this.

We started VBS with Jiffy leading songs. It was so cool to hear 200 kids sing "Jesus' Love is Bubbling Over" in Creole. We even taught them the wave. I'm not sure if they were laughing because they were having fun or just laughing at us being goofy. Either way, it was great. After songs I had them do a game. It was simple, but it still was a challenge to execute (after Monday I took the games out of the lesson plan. Missions work is all about being flexible). Anyway, the game was just passing a soccer ball to the person next to them and saying "Jesus loves you." Not sure how to spell it in creole, but phoenetically it's "Jeh-zee reme ooh." Now say it with a French accent and you'll be close.

Next, it was time for the lesson. Never in my life have I felt so sure that I was right where I was supposed to be doing exactly what I was supposed to do. Before we left for VBS I was praying over and over again, "God just let them hear you today. It may be my vocal chords, Lord, but let them hear your voice." God is AWESOME!!! He answered my prayer so clearly and powerfully. You know how when you have to stand up to give a speech you practice it before hand, and usually have note cards or something handy. Even when you're talking you're thinking of what you're going to say next. This was nothing like that. Words were out of my mouth before I even realized what I said. And I'm not talking about one of those "Oh crap!" moments where you wish you could take it back. I didn't write a single thing down before hand other than just journaling some thoughts. I didn't take a scrap of paper with me. Nothing I said was from memory and nothing was read from paper. It was ALL God! Do you get that??? Not a single word I said was my own. Every single thing that came out of my mouth was from him. Okay, for those of you reading this that aren't Christian, you probably think I'm crazy. Well, if I am, I want to be insane for the rest of my life and I pity those that will never experience what I was blessed to experience! For all the doubters that wonder how the Bible can be the word of God when it's written by human hands, I'm here to tell you first hand, I get it now! Just like God spoke through me to those kids, so he spoke to the authors of the books of the Bible. Those are God's words, just with their penmanship. I know I sound nuts. But I said it once, I'll say it again. I'd rather be an effective nut than and ineffective shell. This has got to be what the apostles felt like on that first day when they stood and spoke and saw thousands accept Christ as their savior. Personally, it's not even so much what God did through me as it is that he chose me. Did you hear that? God chose me! Me! Flawed, confused, screwed up me!

Okay, I'll stop with that now, but you get the idea. :) After the lesson (which lasted ten minutes or so) we handed out the craft. It was a puzzle that we were going to have them put together and then glue to a piece of paper. Good in theory, but I hadn't taken into account that many of these kids had never seen a puzzle let alone had a chance to work with one. (Keep in mind this was a 5 piece puzzle). At first they were confused so I had my helpers get down on the ground in front of their groups and show them what one looked like put together. As soon as the kids saw it they got excited and even sat down on the ground to work on them. Remember, Haitian kids don't like sitting on the ground! And when they got it they were so proud! They were grinning from ear to ear.

The last thing we did was hand out snacks. It was just a package of cheese sandwich crackers. Sadly, many of them didn't eat theirs. The reason being that they were expected to take it home to their family. We had fathers outside the church windows yelling at the kids to bring their crackers to them. And the kids did. It was frustrating, but there wasn't much we could do about it. When everyone had a chance to eat we dismissed them. I had several kids say, "Merci Nah-omi!" as they left. I had only said my name two times! And they remembered! And they thanked me! That is huge - they were thanking us without being reminded to do so!

We went back to Jan's for lunch and a recap of what worked and didn't work at VBS. I was just so pumped at how God had pulled things together (remember me bawling the night before because I didn't want to screw it up???). After lunch me, Angie, and her daughter Morgan went with Jan's daughter, Amanda, and two of the translators (Lucson & Woobens) to market. We were having my adoptive family over for dinner and Jan had hired a Haitian woman to cook them food. So, we picked her up then headed to market. For the most part market was okay, but we definitely stuck out. It had been raining off and on for the past couple of days so the street was really muddy. (streets aren't paved). Haitian dirt is weird. It doesn't soak in the moisture so the top two-three inches of dirt were a really slick mud and under that was dry ground. By the time we were done my shoes smelled like a cattle yard. I just kept telling myself what I was walking in was mud... it's just mud... really, it's just mud... nothing else in there... just mud.

There was one area of the market where as soon as I stepped foot there I knew I was not welcome. It felt kind of like Bor Kanal the day before. We were walking in single file - one man in the front and one in the back with the Haitian woman leading the way. At one point in this area a man stepped in front of Morgan (13 years old). We don't know what he said, but you could tell by his gesture what he meant. Amanda who was behind me stepped in front of Morgan and said something to the guy (she's fluent in Creole). He said something back, then she said something. The whole time she just motioned for us to keep walking. As we walked away I very clearly heard him say in English "$&%# You!" No translation needed there. Thankfully, God kept Angie from hearing any of that and she didn't even know about it until we got home. From that point on I felt very uncomfortable. There were people yelling things at the guys with us. I don't know what they said, but you could tell it was upsetting them. There were people laughing at us. Angie made the mistake of asking Lucson what they were saying. So he translated everything they said from there on out. :) They were saying we were fat, our feet were big and they were laughing that we didn't want to walk in the mud and then that we did walk in the mud. The only word I heard over and over again that I understood was "blanc" - pronounced blah. It means white. I think I got a very small glimpse of what African Americans must have felt like not too long ago.

So then at 4:00 some of us went with Jan to the women's Bible study held in Bor Kanal. This was only her 3rd week (as was Kids Club) to have study there so it is a very new ministry. The week before she had about 40 women. The day we were there she had about 80! They were rowdy. You could tell some of them were only there to see what free stuff the white missionary had brought. Jan opened her message with this, "I don't know if you're here today because you want to learn about God," some women nodded their heads, "or if you're here just to get the stuff I've brought," several women shouted AMEN! AMEN! AMEN! Jan didn't miss a beat, she just kept on going. "That's okay. Someday I hope you come here not just for the stuff, but because you want to know God." She continued to teach and those that were there just for the stuff continued to be rowdy and disrespectful, but there were also several that were really listening to what she said.

Jan had us split up and go around the room praying with the women individually. Many were receptive to it. Again, those that just wanted the stuff just laughed or were rude, but we prayed with them anyway. I came to one woman who very adamantly pointed at her belly and reached out took my hand it put it on her belly. I thought maybe she wanted me to pray for her baby or something. Lucson came over to translate for me. He said that she wanted me to pray that she would be able to conceive. I was taken aback. I've never been asked to pray like that before. Yes, I've been asked to pray for people, but not to actually put my hands on them and pray to heal them. I told Lucson, "Tell her I can't heal her. Make sure she knows only God can do that. I can't heal her!" So he translated then told me that she still wanted me to pray. Okay... what else was I going to do??? So I put my hand on her belly and prayed that God's will be done. That opened the floodgates of women wanting me to pray for healing. Whether it was a shoulder or a knee or whatever, I just had Lucson translate every time that I could not heal them, that only God could. Oh, how I'd love to know if they've seen any healing.

Once we were all done praying Jan handed out what we had brought for them - Creole New Testaments. I bet those that were there for the free stuff were ticked that all they got was a Bible! Ha! But God's word does not return void. ***side note. In Jan's last newsletter she related how out of a group of about 60 women at Bible study - 40 accepted Christ. I'm sure some of those were the same ones that were so rude that day we were there. Go to www.christophershopemisnitry.com to read the whole newsletter.***

The Elphni family lives right next to the church so we picked them up right after Bible study to come over for dinner. I had been looking forward to seeing them as this was my and Stephanie's adoptive family and we had a lot of clothes and food we had brought for them. They all piled in the back of Donald's truck and off we went to Jan's house. It wasn't until we got there that we realized the people in the truck were not the same people we had invited over for dinner. We had invited the mom & dad, Grandma & Grandpa, and the five kids. Grandma and three of the kids were there, but so were six other adults we didn't know. Apparently the baby (about a week old at that time) was sick so mom & dad stayed home with him and the grandfather had stomach surgery recently and wasn't doing well so he stayed home. Our best guess was that they invited neighbors to take their place. So what would you do? How would you feel if those you invited didn't come and strangers showed up in their place? Insulted? Angry? Irritated? All of the above? Yep, me too. I had really been looking forward to meeting my family. And after the events of the afternoon it was really hard not to take it personally.

Well of course we went ahead with dinner plans. I'm pretty sure God wouldn't have been too happy with us if we had kicked them out and said, "sorry, you weren't invited." I felt further insulted when they made sure to fill their plates to overflowing and take all the leftovers. There wasn't even a grain of rice in the pan when they were done and they each took a full plate home with them. It would have been one thing if we had offered them the left overs, but for them to just take it... well... what would you have felt? And then God convicted me. "You have much, child, then have little." And what's that verse, I'm surprised it didn't hit me at the time, "If someone strikes you on the cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic." Luke 6:29. Hmm...

The part that really upset me though was that Layfette didn't get to come. He was orphaned about 3-4 weeks before we got there. His aunt and uncle took him in. Stephanie and I had really been looking forward to getting to know him better. In fact, that morning at VBS he was in Stephanie's group and (via a translator) told her he was looking forward to tonight. Well, when we asked where he was we were told that he was still in the shower when it was time to go so they left without him. Remember, we were the ones giving them a ride. If we had known he was still in the shower we would have waited. But they never told us! We didn't find out until it was too late. Stephanie told one of the ladies to make sure that he got a plate of food and the gal just looked irritated that we would ask that.

Here's what I have written in my journal:
"We as a whole group were used. It was very insulting. But I also realize that greed is part of their culture. It still hurt. I'm not sure if that's the right word. Upset? Offended? There are too many emotions to pick one word to describe it all. I'm so sad for Layfette. I'm angry at their selfishness. But Lord, just like Jan said at Bible study - we are not going to change Bor Kanal with our anger. WE can only change Bor Kanal by our forgiveness. So father, I forgive them..."

Huh... Jan was teaching the women about forgiveness and not holding on to anger. But God was using Jan to prepare me for the forgiveness I would need to show to these people. God is so good! And I was able to forgive. The next day when I saw them, there was no anger there on my part. That's a God thing, because I couldn't have done that on my own.


Are you emotionally drained right now? I am just remembering this day, though I'm sure it's a bit different for me than it is for you. Hopefully you all don't think I'm too crazy by this point. Thankfully you all know me pretty well and have talked to me since I've returned so you know I'm not a total nutcase. Just crazy for my Jesus! :)

Naomi