From the mouths of babes.

My Emma LOVES to sing.

This morning, this is what I heard:

"Rocking around the Christmas tree, Jesus is the King. Rocking around the Christmas tree, victory is His."

I did not teach her this rendition - this is just what she was singing. She's always singing songs to Jesus, about Jesus, for Jesus, praising Jesus. Oh, to have her faith!

"But Jesus called the children to him and said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.'"Luke 18:16

Reflections on Christmas Eve

Exactly one year ago today I sat in my living room bawling as I wrapped presents. Joyful right? Haha, yeah, well there was a reason for it. I was just five days away from my first over-seas mission trip. I was excited, and terrified. More than that though I was overwhelmed knowing that the country I was headed to is the poorest nation in the Northern Hemisphere. So as I sat there wrapping present after present my heart broke.

Fourteen of us traveled to Haiti. Between us we had "adopted" 5 families to bless when we arrived. The family my friend Stephanie and I adopted had a mom, dad, grandma, 3 kids and a baby born on Christmas day. I had gone through my kids outgrown clothes and packed as much as I could into my extra bag. I had gone to Goodwill and bought dresses for the women of the family and shirts and shorts for the men. I had made peppernuts and put them in a Christmasy tin. I provided a football, soccer ball & pump. Between Stephanie and I we filled two rubbermaid tubs of stuff for our family. But as I sat there wrapping frivolous gifts for my family I couldn't get over the fact that my adopted family would be lucky to get a meal Christmas day. No matter what I gave, it would never be enough. And so I bawled.

I've always been irritated that Christmas has become so commercialized. When I had kids I really started to notice how much of a role Santa played and how little of a role Jesus played. It annoyed me that so many people treat Christmas as something to get through - something to survive - rather than to enjoy and celebrate for what it is. It's not PC, but I'm here to tell you, Christmas is not for athiests. No, that's what the "Holiday Season" is for. Christmas - that's for Christ. It's the time to celebrate His birth. It's time to stop thinking selfishly and focus on those around us. It's time to notice your neighbor, to get to know them and share Christ's love with them. It's time to stop being so busy and to slow down enough that you can see Christ's work in your life. If you're a Christian and can't see Him when you slow down, then that's a sign that you've passed him by somewhere along your busy road in life. Maybe it's time to do a u-turn in what you're doing - time to retrace your steps and figure out where you left Him behind. Christ never leaves us, it's we who leave him.

I think last Christmas Eve was the first time I really got it. I had been so busy. Buying, buying, buying, but not thinking about my savior. Actually... no, that's not right. It was the first time I had been busy buying, buying, buying and the whole time feeling God say, "That is not what it's about." As I sat that night I cried because I got it. I saw clearly what it was about. It's about helping the "least of these." So even though I was scared about traveling to Haiti, I was excited that I would get to put my faith into action.

No, you don't have to travel to another country to learn to be a witness. But it sure helped me. Going to Haiti changed the course of my life. I truly believe that. There were things I experienced there that I couldn't have experienced here. Here it's too easy to ignore God. There, his presence is so obviously absent it's a shock to your system. So, I'm glad for last Christmas Eve. God used it to prepare my heart. He used it to open my eyes to the abundance we have, and the lack of the "least of these." God broke me down and helped me shift my focus from myself to Him and the work He would be doing through me. I am so grateful that God allowed me to see with his eyes - if but for just a moment. And yes, I think God was crying too.

It's all about you!

My kids have been told over and over (and over and over and over) again that if they need to talk to me, they need to get up and come into the room I'm in. However, over and over (and over and over and over) again they just yell at me from across the house. Almost always they are yelling, "Mom, I need help!" Since they have been reminded over and over (and over and over and over) again not to do so, I simply ignore them until they finally come to me to seek help.

Well, today it happened yet again. As I waited for Jaedon to realize that I wasn't answering or coming to him I felt the realization wash over me that God is just as irritated by this as me. I don't mean that He's irritated with Jaedon yelling across the house for help. No, He is irritated by me knowing what I should do yet I go the opposite way. I get myself into trouble and can't get myself out. So what do I do? I yell, "Dad, help me!" but I don't actually go to Him for help. Does that make sense? It does in my brain, but let me see if I can explain it further.

I ask God to fix the problem. I ask God to change the person involved in the problem. I ask God to make things better. But I don't get down on my knees and go to God in prayer and apologize to Him for not listening to Him in the first place. I don't ask God to fix ME, to change ME, to make ME better. That is, not until I realize that He's not going to help me where I'm at and that I need to come back to Him. Only then do I feel Him give me the help to come back.

Faith is all about you. It's about you realizing you need Him. It's about you asking for help. It's about you wanting to change. It's about you turning your back on your past life and turning toward the one God has laid out for you. It is all about you. God will not make you change. You have to take the active steps to find God. You can't just sit there and wait for God to drop truth in your lap.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with your whole heart." Jeremiah 29:13.

You can't halfheartedly look for God. He knows if you're giving him lip service or if you are truly trying to discover him. Think about it from your own viewpoint. If someone wanted to be your friend just for what you could give them, would you be friends with them? Of course not. But if someone wanted to be your friend because they thought you were a cool person, someone they would want to hang out with just because - you'd let them in. Why should we expect God to be any different?

Have you tried the whole "God thing" and found it lacking? Maybe it was because you were looking at it through the eyes of someone who just wanted the good stuff out of it - not as someone who wanted a relationship with the Creator of the world. I'll say this as clearly as I can. Stop it! God is no fool. You are never going to feel his presence if you are trying to get close to him just for what He can do for you. But if you seek Him with your whole heart - if you want to get to know Him, not just know about Him, but know Him personally - you will start to feel his presence in your life. But you - not your parents, friends, pastor - have to seek him. You. It's all about YOU!

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief." Mark 9:24b

Ever since my kids were born I have sung the same bedtime song and given them hugs and kisses as I tuck them in. When they were infants, I rocked them to sleep with the song. When they were toddlers I helped them brush their teeth and get dressed for bed, then they'd climb under the covers and I'd sing the song then hug and kiss them goodnight. Now that they're older I can let them get themselves ready for bed, then I come in to tell them goodnight.

Every night, without fail, I come in to sing the song and kiss them goodnight. Even on night's when I'm not home when they go to bed, I still go in to kiss them goodnight - whether they're awake or not. Every night since Jaedon was born. That means I've been doing this nightly for approximately the last 2,750 days.

So why then, does my daughter, EVERY NIGHT, ask as soon as she's in the bed, "Can you give us hugs and kisses?" (Granted for her, it's only been 1990 days) It's irritating!

Almost every night I ask her, "Emma, have I ever not given you hugs and kisses?"
To which she'll answer, "No."
And I respond, "Emma if I've always done it, then don't you think I'll probably do it again?"
"Yeah."
"Then, Emma, you don't have to ask every night."
"Okay."

The next night the conversation starts all over again. What she doesn't realize is that each time she asks, I get a little less willing to do it. Sometimes I want to teach her the hard way... ie if she asks for the hugs and kisses that she knows I always give then I won't give it - because she's not trusting me. (For the record - I've never done this. I've just wanted to out of irritation. But I love my daughter too much to withhold affection just to teach a lesson.)

Tonight, as she asked the question for the 700th time, it hit me. So many of us do this to God. We ask for things over and over again. Things he's always provided. Yet we don't trust that he'll do it again. We don't trust that He's faithful. But has your heavenly father ever let you down? No! People have... all the time. But they're not God. God is always there, waiting for you, for me, to turn back to him.

Our conversation may go something like this:

"God, will you show me that you're there?"

"Child, I call to the sun in the morning and tell the moon where to sleep. I call to the wind and it answers. I sing to the flowers and they grow. I bring the seasons in their time. I send the rain and calm the tempest. I know each star by name and set them in their place by night. I calm the raging sea. I tell the birds when to soar. I clothe the lilies of the field. I speak to your soul, so that you might learn right from wrong. Have I ever let you starve? Have I ever let you suffer without reason? Have I ever left your side, even in the worst of times?

"No, Father."

"I am the first and the last. The one who was and is and is to come. I am the same now as I was in the beginning. I'm not suddenly going to change my very nature. In fact it is impossible. Do you trust that this is true?"

"Yes, Father."

"Then child, just trust in me."

And we do... for a time. Then things get hard. Life happens. We forget that God told us through the apostles that the life of a Christian would not be easy. Over and over again, the letters of Paul, and Peter and James et al. tell us that we WILL suffer. Not maybe we'll suffer, but we WILL suffer. But we are called to stand up under those hardships, to look at persecution as a prize that we have won by living out our faith.

But it's not even just persecution... it's the struggles of daily life. No where in the Bible does it say that once we become Christians our life becomes easy and that we'll be rich and never again have a care in the world. It's the complete opposite. Basically, once we become Christian, we are told we have someone we can lean and depend on to get us through those tough times. He is faithful.

We will never one day need God and find that He is not there. Scripture says he never slumbers.

Have you ever really needed someone in the middle of the night? One night a couple of years ago my husband woke me up in the dead of night with a full blown panic attack. I'm embarrassed to say that I wasn't there for him. I was so tired I couldn't even stay awake to help him through a very scary and difficult time. I failed him. My humanness failed him. My body needed sleep, and I didn't have the strength to fight it. I got rest that night, my husband suffered through his panic attack alone and felt let down by his wife- the one person in the world he should be able to depend on.

But God is not a person. He is an omnipotent, omnipresent being. He has no beginning and no end. He does not need sleep. It's hard to wrap our human minds around it all. But God is not human. He's very existence is more than the human mind can comprehend (that's where faith comes in). There will never be a time when we are in desperate need that God says, "I want to help, but I'm just so tired. I can't stay awake. I'm sorry."

I am so glad that God is bigger and more complex than me. Otherwise, He might have the same desire I have with my kids. Imagine this: God is eager to meet with me as I come to Him in prayer. He is anxious to hear my heart, for me to pour out my love to Him and the first thing out of my mouth is, "God, are you really there?" If He were human, if He were me He might say, "Don't you get it yet? Why do I even bother? Why don't I just walk away and let you feel my absence. Then maybe you'll be able to tell the difference between my presence and the absence of me."

Thank you LORD that you are a loving Father. Thank you that even though our brains can't understand but a small portion about you, you know all about us and love us anyway. Thank you for your patience, for your faithfulness, for your mercy. Without you we are wandering spirits, looking for a home. With you, we are souls with a purpose, living in this world as aliens longing for our future home with you. Help us Lord with our unbelief. Amen.

A cloudy, stinky mess

Goldfish. Love them and hate them. We have had the same goldfish for about 3 years now. It was a bargain. We bought him/her (I have no idea how to tell) for 27 cents. He was the type you buy to feed other fish. For us, he was cheap so if he died we could just spend another 27 cents and our young children would be satisfied. The fish (first named Pony by Emma, now called Aleah - because Emma decided it needed a new name) has grown from an inch to about five inches. It's a silly little thing, but God has used him-her-it-whatever to teach me some things.

One of the stories - how God used Pony, I mean Aleah to teach me that He answers even the silly, unimportant prayers, I'll share another time.

Today, God gave me a new lesson. Not even a lesson really. Just a deeper insight into His being. I have told my kids (ages 5 & 7) that they are not allowed to feed the fish. They have both, on separate occasions, sought to help. Every time they have put too much food into the tank resulting in a cloudy, stinky mess that I get to clean. Yay! They simply aren't ready for the responsibility.

But, Jaedon thought he was. So he fed Aleah and this morning her tank is a cloudy, stinky mess. And yes, I get to clean it up. Yay! As I looked in her-his-it's-whatever's tank this morning it was like God said to me, "Now you know how I feel sometimes."

It wasn't a criticism from God, simply one parent talking to another - relating, sympathizing over the foolishness of our kids. Jaedon, in his 7 year old brain, does not think, "Oh, Mom said not to do this because I'm not ready for the responsibilty, so I'll listen to her." Instead, I think it goes something like this, "Mom just thinks I'm not capable so I'll prove that I am. Here fishy. Oops! I wonder if half the container of food is too much?"

So I asked God this morning where I had rushed into things in my life. I'm sure there are many things, big and small, but He just laid one on my heart. Marriage. I can talk about this because Keith and I have already talked about it, and agree on it. We got married before we were really ready for the responsibilities it brought. (disclaimer - I'm not saying that all people who married young should have waited. I'm just saying this is true for us.) We were 20. I had lived on my own for about 6 months prior to our wedding - Keith never had. We both still had a lot of growing up to do. I was very selfish. Sadly, I still am some times, but I continue to work not to be. Neither one of us had ever had to live within a budget. The fantasy of the Happily Ever After died within a few months. The first year wasn't too bad, but years 2-3 we were both pretty unhappy with each other. There were times I thought I had made a mistake. I'm sure Keith felt the same.

But here's the thing. I knew, absolutely KNEW within two weeks of dating Keith that this was who God had made just for me. I knew that as much as I know God is God. It was absolute truth for me. Looking back however, I wonder if God was whispering, "Yes, he is for you, but you are not ready for life with him yet. You need to grow up a little first."

I believe God is in complete control. He could've stopped Keith and I from getting married. In fact, about 6 months before the wedding, Keith was going to call off the engagement. But he didn't (that's a whole other story). I think God's hand was in that too. The thing is, God allowed us to go through with things, even if we weren't quite ready. He let us learn the hard way - through the pain and tears of growing up together. I think our struggles early on forced us to look upward rather than inward. After all, we were obviously messing things up, other wise we'd have the happily ever after. Since we weren't completing that for each other, we had only one other logical place to look - God. The world would tell you to just find someone else. That someone else would make you happy. But we knew that wasn't what God wanted. So we looked to him.

We grew a lot, as individuals and as a couple but all of the growth led to a deeper relationship with God. I think He's proud of that.

As for Jaedon and the fish tank. He apologized for feeding Aleah too much. We talked about why I don't let him feed the fish yet and I think he understands. But, it took him seeing what a cloudy, stinky mess he made of things before he understood that I had his best interests in mind.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Hebrews 6:4-8

There is a scripture I came across yesterday that is still rolling around in my head. I just can't get past the implications.

Hebrews 6:4-8
"It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit,who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
"Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God. But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned." (emphasis mine)

Read it again. And again. Okay, maybe yet again. Each time I read this, it sets deeper into my soul. Do you understand what it's saying? Those who have accepted Jesus, live a life worthy of Him, have the rewards that come with this faith (like that peace that surpasses all understanding?), and know the word of God - if they fall away (ie turn their backs on Jesus and all they know and have held as truth) they cannot be brought back to repentance. They are crucifying Christ all over again!

I hesitated when I wrote, "they cannot be brought back to repentance," because I want to believe that isn't true. I want to believe that there is always another chance. But that is what scripture says. We've all messed up, sinned - again and again. Some of us have struggled with the same sin over and over again - each time promising God we wouldn't fall into that trap again only to hurl ourselves into it the next day. Sin sucks you in. Does that mean we are doomed, that we have condemned ourselves? No, that is not what this verse from Hebrews is saying. Sinning and messing up is not turning your back on God - it is being the weak humans in need of mercy that we are.

But, turning you back on God, that's another thing entirely. Turning your back on God takes forethought. It's saying, "I know God says I shouldn't ________, but I'm going to anyway." Turning you back on God is premeditated. It does not care about breaking God's heart. It's selfish, self-centered and self-seeking. It's not feeling sorry for what you've done, not caring that this choice will mean eternity without God. That is what hell is after all. Just look at the last verse. Land that drinks in the rain (God's love and obedience to Him) but produces thistles and thorns (unrepentant sin) is worthless. In the end it will be burned.

So how do we go from being repentant Christians to someone who will turn our back on God? I'm not really sure. But I have a guess. I think it comes from living a lie. We sin and then believe the lie that it's really not that bad. So we sin some more, after all, if the last sin wasn't so bad, this one won't be either. We dig a pit and then we crawl downward into it, soaking up lie after lie that it's okay to live for ourselves rather than for God - that it's okay to be happy, even if that means living a life that our Savior would be ashamed of. Eventually, if this goes unchecked we decide that our way is better than God's way and we turn our back on him and condemn ourselves.

I actually have a friend I see doing this right now. She has turned her life upside down even though she knows that the life she now lives is not one that God would bless. But she doesn't care. As her sister in Christ, it is my responsibility to try to help her see the lie she has believed. We can throw around, "judge not lest ye be judged" all we want, but we know that there are some things that are sin - God told us they were. Scripture also says that if you see your brother sinning, you are to take the matter to him. If he does not listen then you are to return with even more witnesses of the sin. If he still does not listen, then we are to wash our hands of him. Seems kind of un-Christian to "give up." But I would rather spend my short time on earth witnessing to a receptive soul, than to try to make a brother or sister see their sin after they had already turned their back on God making it, "impossible for those... if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance."