A cloudy, stinky mess

Goldfish. Love them and hate them. We have had the same goldfish for about 3 years now. It was a bargain. We bought him/her (I have no idea how to tell) for 27 cents. He was the type you buy to feed other fish. For us, he was cheap so if he died we could just spend another 27 cents and our young children would be satisfied. The fish (first named Pony by Emma, now called Aleah - because Emma decided it needed a new name) has grown from an inch to about five inches. It's a silly little thing, but God has used him-her-it-whatever to teach me some things.

One of the stories - how God used Pony, I mean Aleah to teach me that He answers even the silly, unimportant prayers, I'll share another time.

Today, God gave me a new lesson. Not even a lesson really. Just a deeper insight into His being. I have told my kids (ages 5 & 7) that they are not allowed to feed the fish. They have both, on separate occasions, sought to help. Every time they have put too much food into the tank resulting in a cloudy, stinky mess that I get to clean. Yay! They simply aren't ready for the responsibility.

But, Jaedon thought he was. So he fed Aleah and this morning her tank is a cloudy, stinky mess. And yes, I get to clean it up. Yay! As I looked in her-his-it's-whatever's tank this morning it was like God said to me, "Now you know how I feel sometimes."

It wasn't a criticism from God, simply one parent talking to another - relating, sympathizing over the foolishness of our kids. Jaedon, in his 7 year old brain, does not think, "Oh, Mom said not to do this because I'm not ready for the responsibilty, so I'll listen to her." Instead, I think it goes something like this, "Mom just thinks I'm not capable so I'll prove that I am. Here fishy. Oops! I wonder if half the container of food is too much?"

So I asked God this morning where I had rushed into things in my life. I'm sure there are many things, big and small, but He just laid one on my heart. Marriage. I can talk about this because Keith and I have already talked about it, and agree on it. We got married before we were really ready for the responsibilities it brought. (disclaimer - I'm not saying that all people who married young should have waited. I'm just saying this is true for us.) We were 20. I had lived on my own for about 6 months prior to our wedding - Keith never had. We both still had a lot of growing up to do. I was very selfish. Sadly, I still am some times, but I continue to work not to be. Neither one of us had ever had to live within a budget. The fantasy of the Happily Ever After died within a few months. The first year wasn't too bad, but years 2-3 we were both pretty unhappy with each other. There were times I thought I had made a mistake. I'm sure Keith felt the same.

But here's the thing. I knew, absolutely KNEW within two weeks of dating Keith that this was who God had made just for me. I knew that as much as I know God is God. It was absolute truth for me. Looking back however, I wonder if God was whispering, "Yes, he is for you, but you are not ready for life with him yet. You need to grow up a little first."

I believe God is in complete control. He could've stopped Keith and I from getting married. In fact, about 6 months before the wedding, Keith was going to call off the engagement. But he didn't (that's a whole other story). I think God's hand was in that too. The thing is, God allowed us to go through with things, even if we weren't quite ready. He let us learn the hard way - through the pain and tears of growing up together. I think our struggles early on forced us to look upward rather than inward. After all, we were obviously messing things up, other wise we'd have the happily ever after. Since we weren't completing that for each other, we had only one other logical place to look - God. The world would tell you to just find someone else. That someone else would make you happy. But we knew that wasn't what God wanted. So we looked to him.

We grew a lot, as individuals and as a couple but all of the growth led to a deeper relationship with God. I think He's proud of that.

As for Jaedon and the fish tank. He apologized for feeding Aleah too much. We talked about why I don't let him feed the fish yet and I think he understands. But, it took him seeing what a cloudy, stinky mess he made of things before he understood that I had his best interests in mind.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."