January 2nd
Saturday
I'm giving you fair warning that this may be a long one. Now stop your moaning! There was just a lot that happened on this day, so it may take me a while to get it all down on paper - e-mail - whatever!
We woke up early (5:30) so we could go climb the mountain before it got too hot. It was a short hike, but steep. My legs were pretty tired by the time we got to the top. We had some devotional time together and then we broke off on our own to have some quiet time. We weren't the only ones on the mountain though. This is a common place for people to go and pray. While there we heard several people just crying out to God. There is someone up there pretty much 24/7 praying for God to come to Haiti. On the climb up we passed a woman singing hymns. I didn't understand the words, but I knew the tune. And of course now that I'm trying to write about it I can't remember the name of the hymn! But I do know it was one I sang in church a lot as a kid.
Here is what I wrote in my journal that afternoon:
"I was, and still am, struggling to feel connected to God today. When we sat on the mountain to pray, I couldn't think of anything. There were no praises, no requests - nothing. It made me feel guilty that I couldn't think of anything to pray about. There I was, on the mountain with beautiful scenery all around and the poverty of Gonaives, Bor Kanal, & Jubilee below and I couldn't think of a thing to say to God. Is that normal? Did I miss something with God today? Is this the depression that Jan warned us Satan would use against us? I didn't really feel depressed though, just guilty that I felt nothing.
"...I ended up praying in a group and I read aloud Colossians 3:5-17. That is what is going on in Haiti! Even the Christians have trouble letting go of Voodoo. They are still trapped by their old life when they should be throwing it off & putting on the new. Then we started praying that the doors of the churches in Haiti would be opened to all people & I couldn't stop crying. How can I go from feeling nothing one minute to crying the next?"
It's hard to explain what I was feeling. It wasn't that I was distant from God, I just didn't feel connected to Him. Kind of like a good friend that you don't see for days or weeks at a time. When you get together it's like you haven't missed a beat - but you've missed out on sharing those days and the experiences together. I guess that's kind of what I was feeling - though that doesn't quite capture it either.
We got back to Jan's around 9:30 and had some breakfast. Then it was off to the new house to paint - finally! Only... they gave Jan the wrong color (she asked for 6 cans of white - she got 2 and the other 4 were a yellow color). Since we were painting the ceiling we just used what white we had to get as far as we could and she ended up using the yellow in the bathroom. I've never painted with oil-based paint. Wow! Those are some strong fumes!!! We were laughing at some of the stupidest stuff while painting and I'm pretty sure the fumes had something to do with that. We ate lunch and then headed to Roboto (another slum of Goniaves) around 1:00.
The reason we went to Roboto was to help out at a feeding center. Jan isn't the only missionary in Gonaives. There is also a Pastor and his wife who run this particular feeding center every day. (They are from the Philippines). Jubilee looks a lot like Bor Kanal - only worse. The houses are about the same but there is just a lot more trash. I wondered if that was because some of the trash of Bor Kanal had been washed away by the hurricane in '08, but that's just a guess. We got to the feeding center which really was just a tin shack. It was rectangular and lined on the long sides with benches. On the far end of the shack was a table where they were preparing the food - rice with vegetables & broth. There were at least 60-70 kids there.
While they were waiting for food, one of the helpers was leading them in song. Our group stood in a line in the middle of the shack. As I stood, waiting to start passing out food I noticed a little girl (no more than 3 or 4 years old) in a red dress who was standing between another boys legs and was fast asleep. I remember thinking, "How can she sleep through all this noise?" because it was really loud in there. I hoped that they would at least try to wake her up to eat. A lot of the kids that come to the feeding center only get to eat at the feeding center. So, if she didn't eat there, she had no guarantee of another meal until the next day.
We started passing plates of food down our line to the kids. As I passed food, I noticed Anna sitting on the floor with this little girl trying to wake her up and get food in her mouth. The few times she got food in her mouth the little girl didn't respond. She just didn't have enough energy to even open her mouth. I told the person next to me, "I wonder how much of that is because she's tired and how much is because she's malnourished." A few minutes later I saw Anna sitting on one of the benches with this little girl on her lap trying to wake her up. Nothing. She was limp. But there were still other hungry kids so I kept passing food down the line. Then I saw one of the ladies who helped prepare the food go over and try to find a pulse on this little girl. I thought, "I'm watching this child die!" But there were still hungry kids, so I kept passing out food. Someone got a water bottle and Anna tried to get the girl to open her mouth to drink, and I kept passing out food. Other people were noticing now and watching to see what would happen or if they could help and I kept passing out food. As Anna continued trying to get water in her mouth I passed out food, but the people in line beside me were occupied with Anna and the little girl and had kind of gathered around. I just remember saying, "Guys, come on. There are still hungry kids!" I was trying to hold it together and the only thing I could do to do that was to help those that were still capable of eating.
Finally the little girl was roused enough to take a drink. As soon as she got that first drink she started chugging the water down like she hadn't had any in days. Then she realized some strange white women was holding her and she started to cry. One of the Haitian women who helped run the center took her and Anna left. I think she had had all she could handle. And I kept passing out food. And somehow I kept from crying.
Here's what I wrote in my journal that afternoon: "How do I process this? Why was I shown this? I don't believe it was an accident."
After leaving the feeding center Dan Burns drove us through Roboto. There was trash everywhere. They had a landfill of sorts - really it was just piles of trash. As we were driving by, there was a lady just squatting right between the piles doing her business. That kind of summed up what I felt like at the moment.
We headed back to Jan's house to do some more painting. I think everyone was kind of in their own little world trying to process what they had seen in Roboto (not everyone saw the little girl - but there was enough to sort through without that). I heard 2-3 people mention that they thought we hadn't been praying like we should. It made me wonder if that was why we were having so much frustration getting the right paint and with miscalculations in money, etc.
That night we had dinner at the Filipino missionaries house. His wife is a wonderful cook. It was hard to eat such good food - and as much as we wanted - without thinking of that little girl. We heard their story about what brought them to Haiti. They've been in Haiti about 15 years. During that time they have survived 2 hurricanes. During the first one, his wife was nine months pregnant and ended up delivering the baby that very night - after climbing over a ladder suspended between buildings to get to higher ground. They named the baby Divine Grace, or DG for short. She's a very sweet little girl.
Every night we had what Jan called Circle of Hope. It was a time to share testimonies and just encourage each other and talk about what we had seen. Usually I'm the first person to speak up in situations like this, but I just hadn't felt like talking the past three nights. Yeah, I know, by the length of my e-mails that's hard to believe that I wasn't dominating the discussions. But that night, I told the group how I was struggling to feel connected to God and that I was sensing that maybe it was because I hadn't been reading my Bible on a daily basis. I also talked about how I was starting to see things as spiritual warfare that I would normally just attribute to human nature or emotions. I talked to Ron about this a bit later, but I told them how I had never been one to really believe it when people would say they were under "spiritual attack" but that I was starting to understand that those types of attacks really do happen. It's not just something that happened during Bible times, it's still happening - Satan is just more covert with us. But, for some reason, in Haiti it was clear that all the little things that were hindering our work (money issues, lumber issues, paint issues) were all things that Satan was throwing at us to try to keep us from doing God's work. I'm not saying every little thing was from him, but I am no longer naive enough to say that he has no part in it.
As I journaled that evening, God led me to a very important truth. Here's my journal entry:
"I think this disconnect has been because I haven't been spending time in the Word. Before the trip I was reading the Bible daily for an hour or more sometimes Since being here, I'm not sure I've opened my Bible. So here I am, on this Godly trip, doing Godly things, but not spending time with God's word!
Thank you Jesus! It just hit me! Matt 4:4 'Jesus answered, "For it is written, Man does not live on bread alone, but on every WORD that comes from the mouth of God."' Then John 1:1 "In the beginning was the WORD and the WORD was with God and the WORD was God." It took a little girl almost dying for that head knowledge to become heart knowledge."
God essentially had just told me that I was spiritually starving myself and I needed to STOP IT! I heard you Lord, loud and clear. If there is such a thing as a spiritual spanking on our blessed spiritual behinds - God gave me one at that moment.
Until tomorrow!
Naomi
No comments:
Post a Comment